NHL Ref Tim Peel Calls Out Diving Fanatic James Neal on Embellishment

This was so awesome to see. Everyone knows that hockey refs are better than refs in any other sport because of the player-ref relationship. In football the refs throw a flag if you fart to close to the QB. In the NBA you get T’d up if you stand too close to the refs. In soccer? Well in soccer refs get fucking beheaded if they make a bad call. Safe to say that relationship is a bit rocky. In hockey though, the ref will tell you to fuck yourself and get in the fucking box. You can yell back at him and he’ll just tell you to shut the fuck up, it’s great.

Now, James Neal is a fuck stain. Has been diving since before I was sucking on your mothers teet. He was a rat on the Penguins and it seems as if Crosby taught him the ropes of diving, crying and receiving anal. So good on Tim Peel to not let some divers dictate the game. Anytime anyone gets hit in the chest they throw their heads back in the air like they just got a bullet in the head, JFK style.

The Bruins scored about 8 seconds into the power play by the way. (But still lost the game. win-win-win)

– Silky Mitts

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Anyone See Those Levitating Cars in China? Well They “Solved” it, Was Just a Loose Tangled Wire!

 

OHHHHH so it was just a wire mix up ey? Some random loose wire on the street wrapped up two buses and a car? Well that solves it, guess we don’t have to look into this anymore!

Seriously China, that’s the best you got? You may be able to fool the mooks in Washington or the suits on Wall Street but not this guy, not Silky Mitts! This is China, they’re already the closest things to Aliens so if you don’t think that I know this was alien voodoo than you’re a dink. Listen China and Aliens have been working together since before you and I were born. And the government knows it.

You’re telling me the people that eat live cats and who puke into each others mouths for fun AREN’T related to Aliens? Fuck out of my face with these shenanigans. It’s insulting to me, it’s insulting to my country. I won’t stand for this garbage. Just admit whatever project you were working on with GleepGlop and the Martians went awry and I’ll go back to blogging about gorgeous looking flow on NHLers from the boxers on my couch. Seriously China I eat enough disgusting leftover food I don’t need you pissing on my face also.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. I just realized that I probably figured out all of china’s secrets so my computer may explode sooooooo if you’re reading this just kidding lolololOLOloLOlolOLO I know its just a wire *wink wink*

p.s.s If I go missing anytime soon tell Hagelin he’s got luscious flow.

Chicago’s Turn to Unveil Their Stadium Series Jerseys….

Yesterday the Detroit Red Wings unveiled their winter classic, stadium series, whatever the fuck they’re calling their game, jerseys. I thought they were pretty cool. Saw a lot of mixed reviews but would say 60/40 didn’t like them. Those twitter eggs just like to critique everything for the sake of being a cynical asshole. They were simple with a new-agey logo of just the letter D, which is pretty retro in itself. Whatever, These Mitts are tired of talking about the Red Wings sweaters.

The Blackhawks usually always have phenomenal jerseys. Their regular ones are probably the nicest jerseys in sports and their past winter classic sweaters have been nice. There’s no point in writing a whole blog about how disgusting a jersey is, so let’s see how they top themselves this year…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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UMMMMM WHAT?!?!?!?!

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Those are the most disgusting jerseys I’ve ever seen! They deserve their own blog to be written about them they’re so terrible. They look like jerseys you get at roller tourneys for free. Like they should have an advertisement from the local pizzeria on the bottom or youjizz.com or something. It’s like it’s boring and complicated at the same time. Sort of like literal vomit.

I feel like I would see some shit rapper wear this on stage because he got it at Lids on the low low. The fronts just basic but they make it shiny and they have the stripes being interrupted by their other logo, AND THAT COLLAR?!?!?! Can we talk about the collar? Looks like some fuckstick made half and said fuck it I’m going home. I’ve never been so irrationally angry at something that doesn’t concern me.

Overall score: 1.8/10

– Silky Mitts

Red Wings Unveil New Stadium Series Sweaters

Nothing gets Silky Mitts dick harder than new hockey teams revealing their sweaters. Doesn’t take much to get me solid, but in order of things that give me a boner it would be new hockey jerseys, good whiskey and Lundqvist. Oh, and whores. Whores get me going too. But I digress, let’s see what they look like…

 

 

 

 

Red Wimgs Sweater

Silky smooth! Love um! Kind of has that old school feel but the D logo on the front looks slick and fresh. Hope Datsyuk stays healthy cause I need to see him in this bad boy. Red Wings will be wearing these on February 27th against the Colorado Avalanche in Colorado for the Stadium Series match.

Not to nit pick but don’t really like the “Red Wings” on the collar, but everything else makes me dizzy from the blood rushing from my head to my penis so, not bad.

Overall: 8.2/10

– Silky Mitts

What do you think? Feel free to let me know in the comments so I can tell you why you’re wrong if you disagree with me.

Rugrats Artist Reveals What They Would Look Like Today

rugrats

So as a 24 year old this show was the absolute tits back in the day. Some days when we couldn’t get our regular babysitter to come over to watch my 5 year old ass, my mom would just tell me to watch 4 Rugrats episodes while she was at work and she’ll be home. Worked every time. I had no time conception and just had the TV babysit me for 2 hours and boom, she was home. So this is pretty big news for me and 90’s kids everywhere. Did the big dick swinging Tommy Pickles get yoked up? Did Phil and Lil just become one person? Does Chuckie figure out how to tie his fucking shoes? Let’s see…..

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Holy shit! What a sad looking group of individuals. I mean Lil looks disgusting. It’s like her legs stopped growing when she was 3 but has been eating Big Macs everyday to compensate. You’d think after putting on 200 pounds in her upper torso alone she’d have a little more than those 2 bee stings she calls titties? Sad looking person right there. Phil doesn’t look that bad to be honest. Just a fat kid with some shit on his chin to tickle Lil when he goes down on her.

Tommy looking like that is the upset of the century. In the show Tommy was the coolest. Just a ruthless character that did absolutely anything for his friends while simultaneously make every girl flood their living room day in and day out. Wouldn’t be surprised if most girls had to wear floats when watching this kid take his dick and smack it in the face of every adversary he faced. Kid was braver than you or I and he knew it. In fact, reminds me of a young Silky Mitts. But for him to look like THAT now? No fucking way. He looks like a man that gave up on life the minute the show stopped and probably got a chick preggo too early in life and has been driving in a mini van for years thinking of ways to off himself. Very unfortunate.

Now Chuckie? Listen Chuckie was a faggot. Scared little bitch that was born into the lottery having Tommy “Slayer” Pickles be his best friend cause Tommy would beat up anything that fucked with Chuck. But in this picture he looks like a teenage girl. He looks exactly like a lesbian. Like he looks like he should be leading a feminist protest or something. He seems like a feminist that hasn’t showered in like 5 years because it’s empowering to women or some dumb shit. It’s like if this guy…

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grew a pussy and went to lens crafters. Jesus Chuck put some fucking effort into life, you know. Get a real haircut, lift a fucking weight and slay some strange already.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. Angelica absolutely did it for me back in the day. An angry cut throat bitch that treated guys like shit? Sign me the fuck up. I would shoot boners straight through my ranger power underwear that would embarrass Ron Jeremy.

Flow God of the Week (Mustache Edition): Keith Yandle

Yandle Stache Gif

 

It’s glorious! This Flow God of the Week is brought to you by Keith Yandle with a handle bar mustache so dirty disgusting and raunchy it would make Jenna Jameson throw up. Seriously this lip sweater looks like something not even Clint Eastwood could handle.

Yandle with the handle. Handle Yandle. Bob Loblaw.

– Silky Mitts

NHL All-Star Game Changed to 3-on-3 Format. Here are Silky Mitts Best Team Lineup Combinations

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*Picture taken from NHL Hitz, one of the greatest games of all time*

So the NHL announced that this all star game will be a 3-on-3 mini playoff. Atlantic plays Metro for 20 minutes then Pacific plays Central. Winner of each game play each other for the championship. Pretty cool idea that will be fun for the fans. I have a feeling at least one goalie is going to get injured from facing so many repetitive odd man rushes, but whatever lines Bettmans pocket he’s gonna do.

Many line combinations are possible, and many people have their own opinion. But that’s just what it is, their opinion. Silky Mitts doesn’t give opinions he spits straight facts. Part of being the best. So instead of waiting I’ll tell you the best possible 3 on 3 (+ a goalie) scenario for each division.

Atlantic 

The 3: Stamkos (TBL), Eichel (BUF), Subban (MTL).

Goalie: Carey Price

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Notes: I know what you’re already going to say. Eichel’s good but he’s so young has so much to prove still yada yada yadda well that’s why my mitts are made of 100% pure columbian silk and yours are made of cement. Anyone with eyes can see that Eichel is one of the most entertaining players in the entire NHL right now and he’s been playing for the god damn Sabres. 99% of his goals are highlight reel goals, so putting him in 3 on 3 with Stammer and Subban is a no brainer. There are other options, sure, but they’re wrong.

Just Missed: Larkin (DET), Krejci (BOS), Silky Mitts (Free Agent)

Metropolitan

The 3: Ovechkin (WAS), Tavares (NYI), Yandle (NYR)

Goalie: Henrik Lundqvist (NYR)11195_content_Gotham-Magazine-Henrik-Lundqvist-3 *If you thought you were gonna get a hockey blog from Silky Mitts without seeing at least one Lundqvist picture you’re out of your mind*

Notes: Pretty solid team right here. I could have left all 3 players out and just put Hank in and I think at the very least the Metro win the tourney by about 3-4 goals. But honestly Ovie and Tavares together makes my computer shoot up cause I’m typing on my lap. Truthfully I don’t like Ovie and think he’s lazy but he’s such a pure goal scorer it’d be a sham to not have him in. Yandle is the perfect 3-on-3 defensemen (along with Subban and Karlsson) so his addition would make for some real excitement.

Just Missed: Zuccarello (NYR), Malkin (PIT), Cammalleri (NJD)

Central

The 3: Benn (DAL), Kane (CHI) Seguin (DAL)

Goalie: Pekka Rinne (NSH)

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*That’s Rinne btw. No shot anyone (including myself) would know who that was if you ran into him on the street but he’s holding a puppy in this picture so fuck you I’m using it*

This is probably the most difficult one. Central is sort of stacked. Sequin and Benn as of right now have already combined for 53 points. FIFTY-THREE FUCKING POINTS! Between two fucking people. And it’s only November fucking 19th. That’s the shit that makes me want to down a bottle of nyquil and see if I can JO before I fall asleep. It’s that insane. Kane is also a no brainer leading the league in points, goals and assists (I guess those rape allegations really got to um, uh?) There’s obviously others that are very deserving, but once again I don’t believe they’re as deserving as these 3. And if you read the top of the blog post you’d see I’m never wrong.

Also, anyone that thinks Reto Berra deserves the spot over Rinne probably has to type on a keyboard  with one finger at a time.

Just Missed: Klingberg (DAL), Panarin (CHI), Taresenko (STL)

Pacific

The 3: Toffoli (LAK), Gaudreau (CAL), Burns (SJS)

Goalie: Quick (LAK)

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Notes: Gaudreau is another one of those players that’s electric to watch. And he’s still so young, lotta talent. Burns is another great defensemen for a 3-on-3 because of the beard and the offensive skill he possesses. But mostly the beard. Need it want it gotta have it. Quick’s pretty decent I guess.

Just missed: Hall (EDM), Pavelski (SJS), one of the Sedin twins, doesn’t matter which one (VAN).

– Silky Mitts

 

Have any feedback you want to dish at Sir Silky Mitts? Think you can make a better lineup? Well then you didn’t read the article cause mine was silky smooth. But comment anyways if you’d like.

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