Boss Status: Jaromir Jagr’s Favorite Player Is Himself


I would be my favorite player too if I had that much facial salad. Unreal.

– Skizzy

Vladimir Putin Stole Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl Ring

[Bleacher Report] Kraft explained the incident to those in attendance at Carnegie Hall’s Medal of Excellence gala, saying, “I took out the ring and showed it to [Putin], and he put it on and he goes, ‘I can kill someone with this ring.’ I put my hand out and he put it in his pocket, and three KGB guys got around him and walked out.”

Cuckold of the lifetime. Just takes your ring right in front of you and you’re left lookin like an idiot with your dick in your hands. The power move to end all power moves. I’m trying to think of something more intimidating than putting a super bowl ring on, looking a man dead in his eyes and telling him you can kill someone with that ring. No clue why Kraft is still trying to get his ring back. I know it’s a super bowl ring so it has a lot of sentimental value but if Putin did this to me I would say thank you sir, and never speak of the phenomenon again. The fucking balls on Kraft to try to get his shit back. Give it up bro. You lost it. Unless your main goal is to start a nuclear war between USA and Russia just let it go.

– Silky Mitts

Apparently Ball Hockey Is An Actual Thing…And The “Athletes” Lost Their Shit At The Championship Game.

(Scrap starts around 2:10)

I’ve never in my life seen anyone take their lives so seriously. It’s fucking ball hockey. No one cares bro. Relax.

In the 2013 ball hockey world championships Justin Pender goes full Hulk and has a rampage that ends with 2 injured Czechs, an official on a stretcher and something like 30 consecutive tweets which he’s trying to pass as an apology letter. Normally no one would say anything about cause it’s, ya know, ball hockey, only this guy plays in the ECHL so he’s somewhat known in the hockey community. Here’s a quick recap of what happened: Czech team puts in an empty net goal to take a 5-1 lead. The team then goes ape shit, jumping up onto the boards and what I only imagine is defined as “whyling out”. Pender then decideds to start cross czeching (cause fuck you, I make the puns) the nearest guy to him at the faceoff circle. The cross czechs go to full blown punches as hes landing hay-maker after hay-maker, tossing the man like an absolute ragdoll. The net minder for the Czech team then jumps on his own player. It looked like a scene outta The Office Beach Games when Dwight sumo jumped onto Andy. Anyways Pender continues his bro rage in front of a crowd filled with the players moms and dads. The ref somehow gets in the middle and goes down hard.

Moral of the story, don’t tell Pender that ball hockey’s for pussies.

-Fresh Twig

Baby Sea Lion Cuddles Sailor Bro Who Let Him Chill On His Boat.

Question. How the hell have I gone this whole time without a pet baby sea lion? I feel legitimately foolish not having one. I’ve never needed anything more in my entire life than this cuddling baby sea lion.  The adventures we would go on would be ridiculous. Tag team of the century. Imagine all the pussy that dog owners get when they bring their puppy to the dog park. Now imagine bringing a sea lion and multiply that number by 5 billion. Fish in a barrel.

– Silky Mitts

Despite Sweden’s Sexy Jersey’s, USA Wins In Gold Medal Game 6-3.

The 2013 IIHF In-line Hockey World Championships has officially come to a conclusion. USA takes the gold in a 6-3 win over Sweden. Led by Travis Noe, Junior Cadiz, Pat Cannone, and Jerry Kuhn the USA Inline team won their sixth gold medal from these world championships which puts them as the sole record holder for most golds. NBD but KBD. USA played in their most competitive game of the tourney to take this win. The entire tourny they basically raped the competition with no remorse. They out scored opponents coming into this game 39-15 and was a perfect 5-0. Just an honest to god blood bath for any team USA faced. I would rather not have let up those 15 goals but whatever. Sweden is second in all time golds with five.

It has been an even better year for a couple other players. USA’s backup tendy (2-0 this tourney) had also just won an NCAA national title as a starter for Yale University and Dick Axelsson won an IIHF gold with Swedens ice hockey team this past spring. Canada giving it all they got could only snag bronze with a 5-1 win over Slovakia. Bronze is cute I guess. Next year, the world tourney will be held in Pardubice (?), Czech Republic. Crazy Czechs.

– Fresh Twig

p.s. Sweden’s jersey’s are filthier than Harriet Tubman’s nut sack. I want one. I need one. I feel like a chump not owning one.

Gregory Campbell Breaks Leg Blocking Shot…Continues To Finish His Shift.

Un. Real.  Gregory Campbell putting every athlete out there on notice right now. This right here is exactly why you cannot compare hockey players to any other sport on the face of the earth*. The man LITERALLY broke his leg. The bone snapped. Not only did he get back up on his two feet, but he continued his effort to get the puck out of the zone. I’ve never seen anything like it. When basketball players think they might have felt a breeze they immediately go straight down to the ground as if they got shot. If baseball players tummy’s hurt they sit out 3-4 weeks. And don’t get me started on soccer players. Epitome of pussy athletes. I know it. You know it. Their own parents know it.  The NHL postseason is different than any other postseason and Campbell demonstrates why.

– Silky Mitts


*Maybe extreme ironing. Shit gets real.

Ice in the veins.

New Study Says Ice From Fast Food Places Is Dirtier Than Water From Your Toilet. Am I Supposed To Be Shocked?

Reason #4,567,352,654,345 why I will never understand people who complain about their fast food experiences. I thought it was a given that even something as simple as ice would still be filthier than water that we shit in. It’s fast food. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is healthy. I’m pretty sure the only way a fast food joint is allowed to open is if a food inspector watches them shove glass into burgers and makes sure the employees rub their nut sacks on the ice. Honestly, if I found out that the ice was healthier than toilet water I would be so suspicious. I would assume that instead of water they freeze piss or something. So it’s good that this study came out. Just makes ordering drinks at Burger King that much more comfortable.

Also, dogs drink out of toilets. And I heard that dogs mouths are healthier than humans mouths, or somethin like that. So no surprise ice isn’t as healthy as toilet water. Dogs (as always) know what’s up.

Oh and I don’t want to scare any English majors who enjoy wearing scarves in hot weather but Starbucks was involved in this study.  So to save you time and money instead of going to starbucks, next time just blast some heat in your toilet, throw some ice in there, scoop a big gulp and enjoy. Same basic thing.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Yahoo

Domino’s to Deliver Pizza By Flying Drones In What Could Be Called The Greatest Thing Ever.

Listen, there are sweet inventions like the wheel or plastic.  And then there are absolutely ingenious inventions.  Inventions such as the remote for your TV, toilet paper for your asshole, and now, Dominos flying drones to your doorstep.  These are the kind of inventions that get people to whisper Nobel Prize around the streets. So perfect it makes me angry.  In fact, I have no clue how I’ve been living all these years without having a drone delivering fresh hot pizzas to my doorstep.  Feel pretty foolish actually.

And I know what you’re thinking. Silky Mitts, having a drone deliver a pizza is literally the exact same thing as a delivery guy.  Uhhh no. It’s not. Idiot. Having a delivery guy deliver pizzas is terrible for both parties. For the consumer it sucks when the delivery guy has a shit attitude and is ungrateful no matter the amount of money you give him. The terrible part for the delivery guy is having to stare at the stupid consumer waiting for your tip which you know will be a shitty tip. I would know, I used to be a delivery boy.

So you see, having a foot in both doors I can tell you that delivering pizzas suck, dealing with delivery guys sucks, the only logical explanation is to bring out the drones. Give the American people what we want! We want drones! We want drones!

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: New York Post

Nazi Enthusiast Who Named His Children “Adolf Hitler” and “JoyceLynn Aryan Nation” Legitimately Confused Why He Has To Fight In Court For Custody Of His Children. Oh and He Showed Up To Court In Full Blown Nazi Threads.

This story is an absolute riot.  This proves how dumb people like this father are. His kids Little Adolf and Aryan Nation are taken away from him so naturally there’s only one logical thing to do to get them back…show up to court dressed to the Nazi 9’s. This bro fucked up so many times it’s comical. Name your kid after the #2 most hated man (Lebron #1) in the world? Check. Prove to the court you’re a sane man who can handle children by dressing in nazi clothes? Check. Make sure your sweet new swastika tat is poppin out for the judge and jury to see? Check.  Absolute looney central.

I know this is a free country and all so you’re free to do what you want. But bro, you can’t seriously think you can rock (the OG) Hitler’s outfit to a US court and expect people to give you the benefit of the doubt?  I could wear my bed sheet over my head to the middle of Detroit but if I expect anything but a prompt stabbing I’m as foolish as a Mets fan. So just take a breath, look in the mirror, and kill yourself. Cause you’re not only making yourself look ridiculous but you’re making Little Adolf and Aryan pretty embarrassed too.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Barstool Sports

p.s. Bro, your ball n chain…woof.

p.p.s. Want to make fun of the shit on his upper lip so bad but it doesn’t hold a match to Jordon’s hitler stash.

So nasty. So cocky. So Jordon.

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