Katy Perry Says Slutty Pop Stars Should Stop Flaunting Their Bodies

I’m confused here. Katy Perry judging slutty pop stars? The same Katy Perry that posed nude for that candy land song? Don’t get me wrong, I love how Perry flaunts her massive tits around in everyones grill piece and acts like shes not doing it. Kind of a major turn on actually. Like she thinks she’s being so elegant and professional when her diabolical fun bags are exploding through my computer screen. If that’s classy in her eyes I would love to see what slutty is. Probably the most fucked up shit you can possibly think of, but in a good way.

I don’t know what her angle is here, but I have a feeling mrs. perry is about to unleash the kinkiest shit you, me, or any other red blooded american male has ever seen. And that can be very dangerous. With eggplants like Katy Perry’s there could be another world war on our hands. Be on the look out, cause I have a hunch that them titties are going to have a major impact on the world very soon.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Page Six

Thomas Vanek Traded To Icelanders For Matty Moulson and 2 Draft Picks.

A great man once said one man’s pleasure is another man’s pain. Actually, sounds like something a rape victim would say. Anyway, that’s the exact case right here. Vanek gets to leave the worst team in the league and go to New York. Scary to think about him and JT91 playing on the same line together. Vanek is always a high point leader and he plays on the Sabres, so I think it goes without saying that he’ll thrive with a team like the Islanders. How about Matty Moulson though? You’re on a young, talented team who are finally being considered ‘good’ for the first time in about 90 years and then you get sent to Buffalo. Fucking, Buffalo. There’s nothing to do up there, I don’t think they have any electricity yet and the hottest it gets in the summer is like -140. Sick. If I were him when I was getting the call and my iPhone said from Buffalo I just wouldn’t answer. Kind of like when your boss calls you to come into work earlier so you just silence your phone. Exactly what he should have done. Moulsons real good but make no mistake he will not do nearly as good on the sabres. He had weapons like JT91, Okposo, and, um, other people.

Don’t necessarily think this was the greatest decision by Snow though. Islanders desperately need a solid tendy AND Vanek is a free agent after this year. They could have kept Moulson and then signed Vanek after the year. Guess Snow doesn’t want to wait. Don’t blame him. When I play NHL13 I trade players like crazy. Why? Because I can. If I were a GM in real life I would 1) make trades constantly and 2) be the worst GM in the history of sports.

– Silky Mitts

Today In “News That’s Awesome”, Shrek the Abandon Dog Gets Rescued and Saved.

So this little guy was abandon by a pond by spawn of satans and thankfully he was rescued by angels. I want to go on record saying anyone who mistreats dogs are scum of the earth. They’re as bad as murdering psychopaths, child abusers, or anyone from Philly. Thank God someone found Shrek before it was too late. I can barely even realize that that’s a dog, it’s insane. Looks like a rug. The after pictures of Shrek blew my mind. After 3 and a half hours of shaving his dreads off, here is what Shrek looks like now.

He’s slowly getting more comfortable with other dogs and people, which is incredible to hear. Give him one more week and he’ll be back sniffing other dogs assholes, licking his balls and then licking his owners face. Viva la dogs!

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Huffington Post

Barney’s and NYPD In Hot Water After Arresting Kid Who Bought $350 Belt Because They Didn’t Think Someone Like Him Could Afford It.

Pictured is Trayon Christian, the kid who Barney’s thought there was no way could buy a $350 belt. I’m not one to pull out the race card, cause, well, I’m white. I don’t need to. Ever. But I gotta pull the race card on this one. I mean, this dude’s name is Trayon Christian. That’s way too close to Trayvon Martin. Barney’s saw some kid named Trayon, immediately didn’t trust him, and called the cops. I know it, you know, everyone and their gumar knows it. Love how Barney’s is playing the dumb card too. Like Oh, we do this shit all the time, oh he’s black? I had no idea he was black! Seriously! Listen, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and if you’re gonna be racist than be racist. But don’t spit on my dick and tell me it’s raining.

p.s. So much money just for a belt, uh? Probably a lucky white belt. You can never have enough lucky white belts.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Gothamist

Remember That Cop From UC Davis That Peppered Sprayed Those College Kids? He Just Got Awarded $38,000. Justice is Restored.

 

Listen, there are few things I hate in this world. People that choose cats over dogs, girls that aren’t 18 yet, and occupy hippie pussies. $38,000 might have been a bit much but at the same time it totally isn’t. Nothing makes my blood boil more than over privileged college hippies that feel the need to protest every little thing and act like the victim even though their parents pay for their college education. Shit drove me nuts when I was at school. My college cost so much yet these gay wads would set up little Occupy movements around our campus that no one gave a shit about. These kids have every option at their discretion, have the whole world in front of them, but they choose to hold flowers singing gay songs smelling like shit acting like the victim. All these occupy protestors are just bitching and complaining cause they want what others worked hard to achieve. The people who work on Wall Street are scum bags cause they spend a stupid amount of the companies money on absolutely ridiculous things* but guess what, they still worked their asses off to get there. They didn’t sit around in a little pow-ow crying with each other until they got what they wanted. Maybe next time instead of sitting on their asses thinking that holding a sign will change anything only to get a canister of pepper spray dumped on your cornea, they’ll put in some actual effort into getting good grades so they can have a good job.

– Silky Mitts

*I base this off of absolutely nothing.

Original Link: BarstoolU

Insipred By Joe Buck…Here Are Silky Mitts’ Top 5 People’s Faces That Need To Get Punched.

So I was watching some of the world series game today and they showed Joe Buck interviewing some guy and I just got this unbelievable urge to rock him in the face. Nothing he said or did, just…his face. Some people just have that face where you immediately think “This guy needs to get a fist delivered to their suck hole”. It’s not their fault, just the way they were born. Don’t really hate the Buckster, just something about that face. The point of this blog isn’t to say that Joe Buck is a bad announcer. He is. But that’s not the point. So now, without further Apu…

5. Nicholas Cage

I would be remiss if I did not include Mr. Cage on a list of people with douche bag faces. This is another example of people I don’t hate. Lot of people hate this guy and say he’s a terrible actor. Ummm guess those people have never seen Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence? Absolute fire movie (no pun intended but intended).

4. Matthew Perry

Probably should be number 1. Dude has a face that not even his own mother could love. I have no clue how this guy made it. He’s a shitty actor, so derpy it hurts, and has a face that makes my hand clinch without even realizing it.

p.s. nice middle finger in that second picture, bro. that shits disgusting. clean it up.

3. Donovan McNabb*

I’m a Giants fan, but even I got so angry when McNabb would smile after every single interception he threw. No clue why. I can only imagine how angry Eagles fans would get. He would throw legit pick 6’s and just smile and look over at Andy Reid like ‘I just threw my 3rd interception of the game. nothin else to do but crack a smile lol!’ what a putz.

*not a race thing. I once had a black friend, so it’s cool.

2. Joe Buck

Nice face, bro. Guarantee the second he popped out of his mother and she got a glimpse of his face she wishes he was just a blow job. Like that baby on Seinfeld who was so ugly Jerry couldn’t even look at it. Episode was probably based off Bucks birth. That shit eating grin needs to get smacked the fuck off

1. Pierre McGuire

Words cannot describe how badly he needs to be punched. I don’t care who does it. Don’t need to know. I would love to take a running start at him, cocking my fist just staring him in the eyes as he looks on very confused. He’d be asking me why I’m running at him, very confused, kind of scared, not moving, and I wouldn’t say a word. Just keep running. And then punch him so hard his glasses go through his head. I think if I did that people would hoist me in the air above his dumb body and chant my name. May even get the key to the city country.

– Silky Mitts

Honorable Mentions: Seth Green, Ryan Seacrest, Rex Ryan, James Franco (love um, but he’s gotta do somethin about that face), Daniel Tosh and Carlos Mencia.

Did I miss any? If there’s someone you think should be on the list let me know.

Seton Hall University Basketball Coach To Start Season Off By Facing Kobayashi In A Hot Dog Eating Contest.

USP NCAA BASKETBALL: SETON HALL AT SYRACUSE S BKC USA NY

 

Fucking Seton Hall. You have terrible year, after terrible year, and then you go and do something stupid like this…and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELVES!  Seriously this is one of the greatest ideas I’ve ever heard since someone told me to put a chicken sandwich in between a McDouble (heart-stoppingly orgasmic. try now, thank later). I am in debt to that place, oh, I don’t know, bout $200,000 after spending four years of way too many fap sessions and writing useless papers about 18th century african american womens literature and I couldn’t be happier to see where my money is going. That school milked my family for everything we’re worth without ever giving anything back except a massive pile of debt, but to find out that our head coach is going to face the all time greatest hot dog eater, and everyones idol Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest, is so tits. Nothing and I mean NOTHING would pump my nads and get me excited for college basketball more than seeing that japanese hot dog vacuum suck down watered hot dogs. I wonder how much it cost to get the sensation there. SHU was such tight butthole with their money. Over charged the food, shut the library lights off at like 5 o clock during the week. For a catholic university they were the most jewish school I knew. But now I know why they were saving all that money this whole time.

Every team in the Big East is probably reviewing tapes of the new teams that are coming into the division, thinking that will help them win. haha. Fat chance. You keep wasting time trying to figure out Butler and Xavier’s defense, we’ll watch a grown man eat 50 hot dogs in 5 minutes. After this I seriously don’t think Seton Hall will lose a game all year, if ever. SHU!

– SIlky Mitts

Original Link: USA Today

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