Color Blind Facebook Employee Compiled a Map of What Stanley Cup Playoff Team You’re Rooting For

https://i0.wp.com/l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/R2XJyFJGvmcDHUJ.5AMgig--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9ZmlsbDtoPTcyMDtweW9mZj0wO3E9NzU7dz05NjA-/http://l.yimg.com/os/publish-images/sports/2014-04-16/5cc264a0-c586-11e3-bddc-b35b346b9d2a_nfl-fan-map-playoffs.jpg

So this is the map Facebook made and I have to say its pretty fucking dumb. Most of them make sense, Florida roots for Lightning, Texas for Stars, but there are too many that jump out as ludicrous. Nevada rooting for Chicago? Is that real? ALL THREE TEAMS from California are in the playoffs and you wanna tell me that most people from Nevada root for Chi town? Fuck outta here facebook. I may be dumb, i may stupid, but, um. It just makes no sense, okay. Like most things in this world only thing I can think about is that it has to do with gambling. But that state under nevada too? What ever the fuck its called is rooting for the Blackhawks? That’s chucklesome .But of all the states the most absurd are Louisiana, Alabama and Gerogia. They’re all rooting for the Detroit Red Wings? The fuck? I looked up the wings roaster to make sure no one is from down south and the closest person to the south is some dude from New Jersey. Louisiana is closer to the Stars and the Lightning. Maybe you see this and it relates to you but if you’re from N’Orleans rooting for the Red Wings you’re an asshole, plain and simple.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. I binged* a map of usa cause i’m an idiot and the VERY FIRST map on bing for “map of usa” is this…

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/ff/Map_of_USA_with_state_names-ko.png

*I typed in my toolbar “map of usa” instead of google cause I just cleared my whole cache and didn’t feel like typing in the whole google.com name. Yes i do realize i just typed it in.

Behind The Scenes(ish) of Paulina Gretzky’s Golf Digest Photo Shoot.

Now I’ll be the first to admit this isn’t the most riskay thing I’ve seen from Paulina, but you better believe any time her or her father are in the news they’ll be blogged about on Flow Gods. Whenever she comes on my screen an unhealthy amount of blood rushes to my pants and my knee jerk reaction is to rub one out blog about her for you people. She honestly crosses off everything on my check list. Leaks sex from every pore on her body. Daughter of (1 of) of the greatest hockey players of all time. Is a whore. The perfect woman.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Huff Po

P.s. Since I was staring at all these pictures for the past hour I figured you should too…

http://coxrare.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/paulina-3.jpg

 

 

Power Move: Woman(?) Dresses Her Pet Anteaters In Human Clothes

 

https://i2.wp.com/i1.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article3391774.ece/ALTERNATES/s2197/Anteater-3391774.jpg

Where is your God now?!?! This seriously might be one of the most psychotic things I’ve seen in my life. I’m not talking about the anteaters dressed to the 9’s. I’m talking about that thing that dresses them. The article says it’s a woman? No shot that’s a woman. I’ve seen really ugly women before. Like vial, unfortunate looking hogs. I’ve woken up hungover next to them on occasion. But this isn’t one of them. This thing shows no indication of being a woman. And don’t give me this “long hair” shit. Hippie bros rocked that hair like it was their job back in the day. Not to mention that freshly shaved mustache is screaming at me through my computer screen.

Could you imagine walking down the road and seeing this thing walking down power ant eaters in sweaters? I would turn around and walk the other way so fast you’d think I just saw an ex-girlfriend. I’ve crossed the street when people are walking their dogs or I see 1 or more black people. No way in HELL I’m passing a crew of ant eaters and a bat shit insane man-woman-beast. Might as well pack my things and shake hands with the devil himself.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Barstool Sports

 

p.s. I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this picture. Everyone knows red leather makes the girls weak in their knees. Sucks for all the other bro ant eaters who will have to wait for this guys left overs.

EMERGENCY P.P.S: Realized who this woman looks EXACTLY like…

https://i2.wp.com/content7.flixster.com/photo/49/35/66/4935661_ori.jpg

Spitting image.

 

 

Near Extinct Baby Camel Born and is Cute as Shit

Rare Baby Camel Born in Budapest Zoo

(WebProNews): Critically endangered – possibly even extinct in the wild – the Bactrian camel is a rare species with two humps on its back and has served as a domestic pack animal since before 2500 BCE. But last Wednesday in the Budapest Zoo and Botanic Garden, a rare event occurred. A baby Bactrian camel was born. Baby Ilias was born to his 8-year old mother, Iris, whose maternal line has lived in the zoo for many generations. His father came from a zoo in Miskolc in north-eastern Hungary. Today, Ilias was presented to the media and given time to bond with his mother

I have two dogs, and they’re the best thing in my life. But if I can be honest the fact that I don’t have this Bactrian camel is KILLING me inside. This thing looks cuddly as fuck. I need this thing walking around my house. Seriously how have I gone this long without having this prehistoric camel taking shits in my backyard? I feel like a fucking idiot not having this late neolithic creature prantzing around. I could ride it to work sitting in between it’s two humps. Imagine the swarm of chicks someone would endure if caught riding a Bactrian camel. Take Gosling’s number and double it. Yeah, that many.

– Silky Mitts

STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND WATCH THIS BULLDOG PUPPY KISS THIS BABY!!

Call me what you want but this video had me laughing to myself. My heart legitimately hurt because of the fucking cuteness oozing out of my computer screen. Bulldog puppies are so underrated it makes me angry. Dogs and people have such an unbelievable bond it’s incredible. If I ever in my life, EVER, get remotely angry or sad about anything at all I’m going directly back to this video and I suggest you do too. Girlfriend break up with you? Go right to the video. Total your car, lose your house and get fired from your job? Look no further fella, this video is here waiting for you. Dogs, man.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. find me one video anywhere on the inter webs of a cat giving a newborn kisses and cuddling all over the place. you can’t. If a cat was in this video instead he would probably spend 10 years getting the kid to trust it and then on his 10th birthday the kid just passes out and dies. why? cause in the video the cat slipped a pill in the kids mouth that takes 10 years to kill. Fucking cats.

Original Link: Barstool Sports

Top 5 WORST Shows That I’ve Never Seen

Listen, everyone hates on shows that they’ve never seen. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and I’m afraid to tell you but your mothers done it. There are just too many shows out there that I’ve seen commercials for and right then and there have drawn the line. Too many “funny, witty nerds” who aren’t funny they’re just dweebs and too many shows that (according to their fan base) are just to smart for the regulars (which is code for the show sucks shit but they cant admit it). Well, Silky Mitts is here to tell you, without seeing any of these shows, here are the absolute worst.

 

5. 2 and a Half Men.

1 coked out lunatic, a flamboyant sally and a midget…wow sign me up! Seriously anyone who thinks this show is good should take a soothing bath with their plugged-in toaster oven. Make the world a better place. (I’ll admit without seeing any of it, the addition of Kutcher bumps it up a bit cause even though he acts just as poorly as I fuck, he’s a funny dude).

4. Big Bang Theory

The only….and I mean the ONLY saving grace of this show is the sexy as fuck Kaley Cuoco (pictured second from right). This show is everything that is wrong with America. The faggy nerd who is just ‘too cool’ for the rest of us who, you guessed it, is wearing the Green Lantern shirt* who for some reason talks real fast and everyone salivates for, is the biggest herb television as ever seen. Throw in a dude who thought he was trying out for That 70’s show and a Amir Patel and you have the ingredients for a program that lowers our IQ’s to that of a light post.

*Get it?! He likes comics…hes a nerd!! so funny lOLoloLololL!!.

3. The Pete Holmes Show.

Now as someone who greatly respects and appreciates Stand Up Comedy and what it takes I will not bash Pete Holmes. What he has done is great and it’s awesome he’s got his own show. With that said, his show is god awful. All he does is tell a joke and a story that’s supposed to be funny and then laughs (cries?) at his own jokes while the audience is left to feel awkward/suicidal. He’s had on some INCREDIBLE guests such as Bill Burr and Bo Burnham. But, every time, like clockwork, he’s managed to make me feel as if I were on my own fathers death bed being demanded to pull the plug. I’m sure he’s earned his right, but, god damn dude…clean that shit up before Tyler Perry sweeps in and takes the last white man TBS show from you. Speaking of…

2. Any Tyler Perry Show.

Although Conan’s show kind of sucks, he’s the last good original TBS programming they have. Don’t get me wrong, Conan used to be incredible. When they went on the writers strike he was at his best, cause it was organic Conan. I’m not saying the Conan show has gone down hill. It has. That’s not what I’m saying though. Tyler Perry’s shtick of dressing like a fat black woman and hollarin at his(her?) grandson makes me want to break a little kids toy car. I really, really don’t want to, but that’s how bad he is. Yo Tyler Perry, for the love of god please stop making such shit. Swallow a knife already and be done with it.

 

1. NEW Family Guy

“Who’s the new dog? Fuck you, just watch the show.” – Fox Executives

Which leads me to my last and most hated unseen show. NEW Family Guy. Now before ye cast judgement, I love the old family guy. LOVE IT. The first 2-3 seasons are so funny and creative and original. Now that I got out of the way, the new family guy is atrocious. I wish there was a word that was worse. There probably is but my vocab doesn’t extend too far. Every fucking thing seems like a scene that takes 19 minutes out of the total 22 of Peter Griffin just singing an old Madonna song or something gay. I don’t understand how people still love it. I guess its like a cult following. It’s clearly horrible right? Like I’m sure the same people that still love new family guy are the same people who have to wear helmets indoors and are home schooled. There’s no plot, the viewer doesn’t have to think. I imagine they just sit at home watching their tube and clap their hands like a walrus when for the 8 billionth time Chris Griffin mentions there’s a monkey in his closet who is having an affair or they mention Meg is ugly. Seth McFarlene is laughing his ass off to the bank while all his viewers write a blank check to Fox. Meanwhile “Hello Ladies” on HBO staring the guy that helped create The Office gets no love…sad world.

 

-Silky Mitts

Samuel L Jackson Makes Absolute Mincemeat Of This Squidly White News Anchor For Confusing Him With Lawrence Fishburne

I understand this news anchor sucks ass and does no fact checking whatsoever. But how do you mistake Samuel L Jackson for anybody? He’s arguably the most famous black actor in Hollywood. He’s even wearing his god damn patented backwards kangaroo hat! Love how Sammy L just leeeeeaned into this reporter too. White reporter thinks he’s going to spit in Sammy’s face and be able to change the subject? Think again fatso. This is mutha fuckin Sammy L Jackson! He’ll make you look like an absolute chump 12 times a day if you insult him. Clean this shit up, racist white news reporter, cause this shit is embarrassing.

And apparently he’s the entertainment reporter? So his sole job is to know actors. That’s it. One job and you fucked up.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: TMZ

Bonus: 100 greatest samuel L jackson quotes

Shakira’s Ass Is Literally So Powerful That Colombia Wants To Ban Her New Video, Which By The Way Just Made Me Rip A Hole Through My Pants

Dear Mother of God! Stop the fight! Shakira’s ass just putting a god damn beat down on dicks from sea to shining sea! Did you see the way she was grinding up on the wall? I would murder the 10 closest people in my life if it meant I got to lick the wall a year after this video. That ass as some unreal hypnotic powers and I love it.

Anyway, to talk about the article…some columbian broad is complaining because Shakira’s ass is lights out and I’m guessing she’s a 55 year old shriveled up blue-haired whose pussy hasn’t seen any action since early 80’s. So of course she wants it banned. Now if you excuse me I’m going to rub one out so hard the friction’s gonna be able to start a fire.

shakira 1

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: CNN

Dog Needs To Be Comforted In Car Ride

God fucking damnit I love dogs. All this dog wants to do is hold hands with his owner. Love and fun, the only two things dogs know. I’m not even kidding when I say I would 110% switch my life with a dog if given the opportunity. Wake up whenever you want, shit where ever you want, get pet all day. Dogs are so perfect and awesome. When they hump people or things in public people laugh and smile, when I do it I’m “weird” or “an asshole”. All this dog wants is for his best friend to hold his hand while they go for a sunday drive. Need to find this dog.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. His name is Tom. Naming dogs people names could be complete hit or miss. Like Dan or Max would never work. But Tom? That’s such an unbelievable hit. Perfect. Keep doin you, Tom.

Katy Perry Says Slutty Pop Stars Should Stop Flaunting Their Bodies

I’m confused here. Katy Perry judging slutty pop stars? The same Katy Perry that posed nude for that candy land song? Don’t get me wrong, I love how Perry flaunts her massive tits around in everyones grill piece and acts like shes not doing it. Kind of a major turn on actually. Like she thinks she’s being so elegant and professional when her diabolical fun bags are exploding through my computer screen. If that’s classy in her eyes I would love to see what slutty is. Probably the most fucked up shit you can possibly think of, but in a good way.

I don’t know what her angle is here, but I have a feeling mrs. perry is about to unleash the kinkiest shit you, me, or any other red blooded american male has ever seen. And that can be very dangerous. With eggplants like Katy Perry’s there could be another world war on our hands. Be on the look out, cause I have a hunch that them titties are going to have a major impact on the world very soon.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Page Six

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