How About This Bitch Who Filmed Some Guy In Philly Trying To Get His Mid Day Fap Sesh On A Bus?

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(Face of a man seconds after being caught jerkin it/seconds before he chokes a bitch)

(HuffPo) – Police in Philadelphia are waiting for a warrant to be approved after a man was filmed allegedly masturbating on a SEPTA bus. A Temple University Ph.D. student filmed the incident on her phone Friday, according to NBC Philadelphia. The student, who spoke with the station but did not want to be identified, said she was riding the Route 23 bus to class when she noticed a man next to her exposing himself.

It’s a timeless story, really. Man scratches his balls on the bus, scratches for a little too long, immediately starts fapping. I mean it’s incredibly disgusting that he did this shit on a bus in the middle of the day but don’t you think for one second that I’m not on his side. Not saying I would do it, but the reason I’m on his side is cause of the balls on this whore who decided to film him. Stop being such a righteous bitch and just get off the bus. Let my man do his thing. You can’t film him and then asked to not be identified. If you’re gonna put him in the public spotlight than you should be too. And how about these quotes…

Man – “Are you serious right now,” he asks. “I’m standing here the whole time. Why wouldn’t you just say something?”

Bitch – “Does someone need to tell you not to touch yourself in public on a bus,” the woman replies.

uhhhh yes toots. Of course someone needed to tell him not to touch himself. Why the fuck do you think he touched himself. Love how he just says “why wouldn’t you say something?” like he was hoping this complete stranger would have his back. Give him a little nudge. Be like “yo, dude, I’m not positive, but you probably shouldn’t start trying to rip the skin off your dick on a public bus in the middle of the day. Kinda a bad look”

– Silky Mitts

p.s. infinity percent chance the philly bus fapper is his guy

Dude Catches Rare Half Jewish,Half Goblin Shark

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(CNN) – We’re talking about a goblin shark — only the second member of his species ever caught in the Gulf of Mexico, and the first since 2000, shark expert John Carlson said. Carl Moore, 63, of Townsend, Georgia, was the unlikely archeologist of this ichthyological wonder, which he estimates was 18 to 20 feet long. He caught it on April 19, about halfway through an 18-day fishing trip. Carlson guesses it was closer to 15 feet, with the largest goblin shark ever measuring 18 feet. Moore decided an exact appraisal wasn’t in his best interest. “I was going to take the tape measure, then he flashed around again. I said, ‘Forget the measurement. That thing’ll eat me up!'”

Look at the shnoze on that thing!! This has got to be one of the ugliest/scariest demon things these mitts have ever seen. Look how scary that mug is. It’s cool I guess, not like I ever wanted to go to the beach ever again. It says it was caught in the Gulf of Mexico but I don’t give a shit. I don’t think I can ever go into a body of water again. Knowing that something like this is just swimming around has my trousers doused in piss. Looks like if a hammer head shark, a grizzly bear and my bank accountant had a demon offspring.

So I guess it’s no more oceans for Silky Mitts. No more bays, lakes, pools. Not even any more puddles. Regardless of where these things live if I avoid water all together I cut my chance of getting eaten by this thing to 0%. And even that’s a little much.

– Silky Mitts

Rangers Look To Take 2 In Pitt Tonight

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After beating the Penguins 3-2 in overtime last Friday night the blueshirts look to extend their series lead to 2 tonight in Pittsburgh at 7:30. If the Rangers play exactly like they did a couple days ago they have a prettay prettaaay good chance. Lundqvist played well and the line of Brassard-Zucc-Pouliot continued to be the best on the ice. Nash continues to do his best Terry Shiavo impression while Benoit Pouliot has 4 points in his last 2 games. Such an upside down world we’re living in right now. But hey if it gets them the W I ain’t complainin. If Nash remembers how to use his motor skills I think Rangers become a real scary team right now. They looked real good against the Pens, but if Rags happen to move on to next round they’re going to need to be MUCH better. Whether they play the Habs or B’s they gotta pick up their play.

Now I know this would never happen, but AV needs to start Talbot tonight. Nothing against Lundqvist, but playing in Pittsburgh tonight and then playing in New York in less than 24 hours is too strenuous on goalies. Hanks been great, but he should watch from the bench tonight. Tell him it has nothing to do with his play, just rest for tomorrow. And I know it’s the playoffs, but guess what? Talbots been INCREDIBLE this year. I’m not just starting Talbot to rest Hank, it’s also to give us a good chance. He’s 12-6-1 with a .941 save percentage and 1.64 GAA. .941 Save Percentage!!! Not to mention a win over Chicago earlier this year where he was 20 seconds away from shutting them out. Those are absolutely remarkable numbers for a backup goalie. He also came in to relieve Hank against the Flyers and although only faced 5 shots he looked real good. I understand Hank is the go-to guy but all I’m saying is I wouldn’t hate it if Talbot started tonight.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. Best part hands down about last game was not only was Crosby held to 0 goals and 0 assists…he was a minus 3 on the night. On for every single Rangers goal. Should have given him the broadway hat that night.

Brain Dead Female Reporter Asks Patrick Kane If Last Night Was His First OT Game Winner…

Probably should have just left the “female” part out of the title, since it’s a given. That was asked by Peggy Kusinski and this seriously this has to got be 100% the dumbest question I have ever heard. Has Kane scored any OT goals? G toots lemme think…

I guess maybe she thought since that goal was to win the STANLEY CUP that it didn’t count? This woman should be stripped of her title as a journalist and as a human. can’t be havin a bunch of chicken heads runnin amok in hockey locker rooms asking questions a 2 year old knows. Maybe she should ask if he beats up cab drivers too? Or if he goes to colleges around the nation and makes every whores wet dream come true? I understand it’s not this womans fault since I’m assuming her IQ falls somewhere in between Terry Shiavo and a light post. But you just can’t be doin this shit. Not now. Not during the playoffs. Clean it up, shut it down.

– Silky Mitts

UPDATE: I guess it was a joke?

peggy 2

peggy 1

oooooo you were being sarcastic! lol! That was a good one! Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I may be dumb but I’m not an idiot. Don’t spit on my dick and tell me it’s raining. You fucked up and instead of manning owning up to the fuck up you’re trying to cover your tracks. Absolutely erroneous.

p.s. NBC-5 Sports. Your reporter Peggy…woof…

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@fgsilkymitts

Kaner Does It Again.

(vine made by @JFeitelberg from barstoolsports.com)

Is it just me or does it seem like every time the Blackhawks win a playoff game in OT it’s scored by Patrick Kane? I swear to god this kid is so talented it makes my head hurt. He’s won a silver medal in the olympics, got the game winning Stanley Cup goal against Philly a couple years ago, had this double OT series winning goal last year that included the top 3 nicest cellys ever…

oh and for those of you counting at home he’s 25. Which makes me want to rock my head through a cement wall. Say what you want about how he doesn’t show during the olympics (he really reaaaaaally didn’t show at all this past olympics) but during the NHL he comes through every single time you need him. Pure talent from head to toe. What a game, gonna make a great finish to the series.

– Silky Mitts

@fgsilkymitts

Pineda Got Thrown Out For Putting Pine Tar On His Neck? How?

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I seriously don’t know what the ump saw here. How did he spot that little blot on his neck? Looks like waldo out there. I mean i’ve been staring at this picture for an hour now scratching my head wondering what the ump saw. I mean I understand this EXACT SAME PITCHER already was caught using pine tar on his hand and just wiped it off earlier this exact same year and the head umpires son even warned his dad tonight that he would be cheating and this game was on national television with over 100 HD cameras but seriously, how did he get caught?

In all seriousness though out of all the things in the world that people are bad at, the number one thing would be Pineda at cheating. It’s comical at this point. Like did he think he was being discrete? He would have had a better chance putting the pine tar on the umps neck and just asking for a hug after every single pitch. Maybe just bring an industrial size vat of pine tar out to the mound. I think people would be more hesitant to question you if you pulled a move like that. K a few more batters before they’re on to you. I legitimately think that would have been sneakier. Such a blatant disregard for human life I almost respect it. Like if you’re gonna cheat, show the people you dont give a fuck. Whatever, what’s done is done. Dude should be cut from the team for just general lack of intelligence.

– Silky Mitts

Rangers Take It To Philly, Get 2-1 Series Lead

View image on Twitter

All around great game. The beginning was very reminiscent of game 2 when they went up 2-0 and let the Flyers get a quick one before the end of the 1st period. Was getting kind of nervous, especially since the game was in Philly. However the absolute ROCKET of a clapper from Girardi made me blast my excitement through my pants. Once they took a 3-1 lead I felt much more comfortable. That and I was quite drunk at that point too. But the story of the game was none other than this man right here…

Carcillo

Dan Carcillo. Who’d a thought? Dude 100% played the best period of his life in the 3rd period of last nights game. Matt Read gave him a dirty cheap shot when he elbowed him in the face and got no call, but Carcillo didn’t miss a shift. Then a minute later Carcillo got called cause refs wanted to give the Flyers a chance to make a come back. Only excuse considering Carcillo didn’t touch anyone. And right out of the box Carcillo had a beaut of a tip in which resulted in one of the best celly’s these mitts have ever seen…

Huge, HUGE game on Friday. Rangers win and they go into the Garden with a chance to end the series. They lose and it becomes a best of 3 with 2 at home. Which, this season, hasn’t been all that great.  Let’s hope it’s the former and Rangers send Geezus* to the links early.

– Silky Mitts

*Calling Giroux “Geezus” is one of, if not the dumbest nickname in all of sports. 1) He’s canadian. 2) It doesn’t sound like Jesus. Wanna know the only similarity? They have two syllables. 3) He’s ginger. That probably should have been number 1.

p.s. That flow Carcillo’s rockin might have to be Flow of the Week.

 

 

Duncan Keith Chirps At Backes Saying “Wakey Wakey, Backes” After He Got Demolished.

Sooo in case you didn’t hear it or see it, St. Louis Blues player David Backes got his shit absolutely WRECKED by Brent Seabrook. Backes seemed to have as much brain function as a light post after he got hit and Chicago defenseman Duncan Keith chirped at him saying “wakey wakey”. Cause, you know, he got knocked the fuck out. And now apparently it’s causing a huge uproar. As a long time hockey player and fan, I truly have no clue what the fuck people are upset about. We’re not talking about the hit, we’re talking about the beaks on Keith. It was one of the funniest lines I’ve heard.

And what the most ridiculous part of this whole thing is that the same people who are angry about this must think that this was the dirtiest/scummiest thing that was said on the ice that day. FAR from it. The thing that players say on the ice to the opposition is unreal. Saying Wakey Wakey is the most PC thing that was probably said that day. The shit that I’ve heard in my day on the ice would make the average man vomit his gizzards out. One game I played in some dude told me he was going to skull fuck my mother and write a  book about it. And this was the 2nd game of the year in a Division 2 club hockey team that didn’t matter. I laughed my ass after that chirp because it was hilarious. I understand Wakey Wakey was probably not in good taste cause Backes could have been seriously injured, but the point remains the same…it was hilarious. And really, that’s what chirps are all about.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. One of the greatest Chirp videos out there. Very well done.

Well, That Sucked.

Absolutely brutal. Played a great first period and half of the 2nd and then just shit the bed. Rangers got 17 shots in the 2nd and couldn’t net one and the Flyers got 2. Emery got his shit together and played great. I love how Flyers fans react to Emery yesterday. After the first period social media was blowing up asking for Emery’s head. Saying how he is the worst post to post goalie and he blows. Send in the backup. Then he has 2 good periods and all of a sudden every fan is comparing him to Jonathan Quick’s Stanley Cup run in 2012. Hysterical. He lets in 6 goals in the first 4 periods and then finally blanks the Rangers for the last 2 periods and everyone calls him the greatest. Rangers have always and will always struggle to score in the post season. Don’t know why, just the way it is. Going up 2-0 heading in to Philly obviously would have been huge but at 1-1 stealing a game in that shit hole town is a must for the Rangers. The King has been kind of shakey (probably in part to not facing many shots and getting into a flow) and Nash has been awfully quiet. Tuesday at 8 is the next game and the Rangers absolutely cannot let this series slip away from them. The drunken inbreds will no doubt make a tough atmosphere for the Rangers to play in, but they gotta stay strong. LGR

– Silky Mitts

Mrs. Doubtfire 2 Is Happening and Being a Cynical Asshole I Couldn’t Be Angrier.

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(One of the creepiest images of all time)

(Huff Po): Slam a cake in your face and call it a beauty treatment because “Mrs. Doubtfire” is getting a sequel. The Hollywood Reporter announced that a follow-up to the 1993 comedy is in the works, and that Robin Williams is on board to reprise his role as the divorced dad-turned-cross-dressing housekeeper. Chris Columbus will be back in the director’s chair with David Berenbaum (“Elf”) attached to write the screenplay.

The only…and I mean the ONLY saving grace of having a sequel to this movie is that Chris Columbus is directing this movie. For those of you who don’t know he directed what could be called the greatest sequel of all time, in Home Alone 2. He directed the first one which is a life changing movie and then hit a grand slam with a sequel. Mrs. Doubtfire was very good but it was also made in 1993. A fucking TWENTY ONE year grace period between the movies only says one thing to me, and that’s that everybody involved is desperate for money. Home Alone 1 and 2 were 2 years apart. Everything was fresh. Macaulay Culkin had not yet turned to the needle and turned into a psychopath rock star. Harry and Marv just recently escaped from prison so they were free to do the movie. All the pieces fit at the time.

Robin Williams is supposedly signed on to play a tranny again and after a couple decades this movie can only suck shit. I hope I’m wrong. But I never am. That’s why I’m nervous.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. If Mrs. Doubtfire was a horror movie I think it could have been top 5 all time best horrors. Watch this shit. Goosebumps like you read about…

 

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