Anyone See Those Levitating Cars in China? Well They “Solved” it, Was Just a Loose Tangled Wire!


OHHHHH so it was just a wire mix up ey? Some random loose wire on the street wrapped up two buses and a car? Well that solves it, guess we don’t have to look into this anymore!

Seriously China, that’s the best you got? You may be able to fool the mooks in Washington or the suits on Wall Street but not this guy, not Silky Mitts! This is China, they’re already the closest things to Aliens so if you don’t think that I know this was alien voodoo than you’re a dink. Listen China and Aliens have been working together since before you and I were born. And the government knows it.

You’re telling me the people that eat live cats and who puke into each others mouths for fun AREN’T related to Aliens? Fuck out of my face with these shenanigans. It’s insulting to me, it’s insulting to my country. I won’t stand for this garbage. Just admit whatever project you were working on with GleepGlop and the Martians went awry and I’ll go back to blogging about gorgeous looking flow on NHLers from the boxers on my couch. Seriously China I eat enough disgusting leftover food I don’t need you pissing on my face also.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. I just realized that I probably figured out all of china’s secrets so my computer may explode sooooooo if you’re reading this just kidding lolololOLOloLOlolOLO I know its just a wire *wink wink*

p.s.s If I go missing anytime soon tell Hagelin he’s got luscious flow.

Chicago’s Turn to Unveil Their Stadium Series Jerseys….

Yesterday the Detroit Red Wings unveiled their winter classic, stadium series, whatever the fuck they’re calling their game, jerseys. I thought they were pretty cool. Saw a lot of mixed reviews but would say 60/40 didn’t like them. Those twitter eggs just like to critique everything for the sake of being a cynical asshole. They were simple with a new-agey logo of just the letter D, which is pretty retro in itself. Whatever, These Mitts are tired of talking about the Red Wings sweaters.

The Blackhawks usually always have phenomenal jerseys. Their regular ones are probably the nicest jerseys in sports and their past winter classic sweaters have been nice. There’s no point in writing a whole blog about how disgusting a jersey is, so let’s see how they top themselves this year…










Those are the most disgusting jerseys I’ve ever seen! They deserve their own blog to be written about them they’re so terrible. They look like jerseys you get at roller tourneys for free. Like they should have an advertisement from the local pizzeria on the bottom or or something. It’s like it’s boring and complicated at the same time. Sort of like literal vomit.

I feel like I would see some shit rapper wear this on stage because he got it at Lids on the low low. The fronts just basic but they make it shiny and they have the stripes being interrupted by their other logo, AND THAT COLLAR?!?!?! Can we talk about the collar? Looks like some fuckstick made half and said fuck it I’m going home. I’ve never been so irrationally angry at something that doesn’t concern me.

Overall score: 1.8/10

– Silky Mitts

Rangers’ Rick Nash Leaves Practice with Injury, Considered Day-to-Day

Rick Nash

Of course, this is bad. Anytime one of your franchise players goes down it’s bad.

Of course I would never want Nash out of the lineup.

Of course this is more negative than positive….

But maybe….

But maybeeeeee this for some reason will be exactly what Nasher needed? As of now he has 1 goal and 6 points through 12 games. 1 goal! And in case you didn’t see the goal, he got hooked on a breakaway trying to score into an empty net. Keenan┬áThompson from D2: Mighty Ducks could have scored that goal and he’s ….a goalie!┬áSo he managed to score without even scoring. Other than that he hasn’t put the puck in the back of the net. It’s hard for someone like him to not score even by accident. It’s an upper body injury which is never good, but considering he’s only day-to-day maybe sitting out a game or two and just sitting back and watching the game from a press box will help him out.

So maybe. Just maybeeeee a tiny little upper body injury to Mr. October No Show will do something to get his year started.

In case you didn’t get the reference…

ESPN Bringing Back Their NHL Theme Song For The Frozen Four!!


Let’s fuckin gooo!! Erections! Erections everywhere!! Seriously this is one of if not the best sports theme song of all time. Actually, it definitely is. Couple others come close* but this one is unparallelled to the rest. I could probably run through a brick wall right now listening to this orgasmic master piece. Makes me think about the days of Hull, Yzerman, Sakic and all the other stars from the 90’s. Biggest mistake ESPN every made was not renewing their deal with the NHL. Hockey night on ESPN was great. NBCSports does a great job now, but if you prefer Mike “Doc” Emerick over Bill Clement you’re an asshole. Just a big, stretched out, leaky, asshole. Not to mention a young Erin Andrews started there.

So yeah ESPN resurrecting the greatest sports theme song is pretty cool. In case you’re only semi chub right now for whatever reason here are some Datsyuk highlights that would make the Jeffery Dahmer rapings look consensual. Hearing Clements call on that first goal was nostalgic as fuck.

– Silky Mitts



*they don’t.

Auburn University Training Dogs To Detect Bombs From Several Football Fields Away Cause Dogs Are Awesome.

God damnit dogs are so awesome. If you’re away from them for 2 seconds they miss you like you’ve been gone for 10 years. They’ll do anything as long as it makes us happy. If you ask them to protect an entire country they’ll do it with ease, no questions asked. They’ll find a terrorist in a room of a million people, take them down, save the world, and then ask to play fetch with you. And they do it all for your love and a belly rub. Truly inspiring. Only problem with what Auburn U is doing is that they’re training the dogs to follow the bombers and then sit by them to inform the humans who the bomber is. What they should be training them to do is find the bomber and then have the dog bite them right in the dick. You wanna fuck with America and the great people here you better be ready to sacrifice your only source of manhood, you fucking pussy. Dogs FTW! Freedom FTW! America FTW!!!

– Silky Mitts


p.s. While dogs are being trained to sniff out bombs from terrorists to protect America and freedom I can guarantee you that cats are training terrorists as we speak. Fucking cats.

Fat Shit Superfan Sues Derrick Rose Claiming His Absence Caused The Fan’s Depression And Fat-assness.

I’ve never been more on someone’s side than I am with this Chicago Bulls superfan. Some people are absolutely insane when it comes to sports. Some people don’t get it, but sports are like a religion. Actually, it’s more serious. Religion is a bunch of made up stories like hippies eating shrooms and seeing talking snakes or walking thousands of miles in the desert to deliver frankincense. Sports you’re born into. Sports are too real. You live and die for your teams. You invest years and lifetimes for it. Rose’s absence actually caused this fan to experience mental anguish, emotional stress, and gain a shit ton of weight. Basically, he gave up on life and became a slob. But guess what? It’s not his fault. This is America. And when the star player of your team misses all year you can sue him for all the depression it’s caused you. If Rangers goalie Lundqvist got injured right now and missed the rest of the season not only would I spiral into a crippling depression, but I’d probably lose all motor skills and forget how to breathe.

I would love for this guy to be a fan of Orlando Magic or Detroit Lions or Florida Panthers. Teams that have always and will always suck asshole. His team is in the playoffs without Rose and he’s still bitching. Buddy, some people are forced to be Toronto Maple Leafs fans. Do you know that some of their fans wear bags over their heads? They wear fucking paper bags, over their stupid heads. But you know what, they’d rather wear a paper bag than root for another team. That’s how crazy sports are. This bro won’t even kind of come close to winning this case and will probably result in further depression and weight gain, but, god speed sir. god speed.

– Silky Mitts


Original Link: Bleacher Report

If This Video Of All Of TD Garden Singing The National Anthem Doesn’t Give You Chills You’re A Communist. Plain And Simple.

Such a great video. Goosebumps in places I didn’t know could get goosebumps. Amazing how a sport could seem so trivial in times like this and at the same time help people come together as one. I’ve never liked the Bruins, but I could tell you I was screaming at my TV rooting for them to win last night. I think everyone wanted Boston to win last night. An absolutely incredible moment came from a Sabres fan when the Sabres scored with less than a minute to go in the game to tie it at 2. The camera showed the Buffalo bench to show them celebrating, and what I saw defined the night. A Buffalo Sabre fan sitting behind the bench in a Sabre jersey looked down at his feet in disappointment when his team scored. Obviously he’s glad his team got 2 crucial points and are almost in the playoffs, but at times like these 2 points seem insignificant compared to the joy these Bostonians want and deserve. Overall great game and great atmosphere.
Go America! Go Hockey!

– Silky Mitts


The Fact That China Hasn’t Taken Over Our Country Yet Blows My Mind

When I was in high school I had to walk down my street and I was at school. Took about 5-8 minutes. And I hated it. Felt like a decathlon. And I was in high school. These chinese kids are in elementary school and not only do they walk great lengths to get to school, they have to go through an obstacle course. Balancing on wet, mossy rocks. Climbing up completely vertical ladders with an 80-90 % chance of falling off. I mean look at that shot at the 10 second mark in the video. That’s the path that these 10 year olds have to take EVERY DAY? Uh sorry, I would take not knowing my times tables over attending this school and increasing my risk of instant death any day. Hey mommy look i’m climbing up this broken ladder to get to school take a picutreeeee I’M DEAD! I get nervous when I climb up step ladders to fix a light bulb, these kids must have absolute ice in the veins.

It’s shit from China like this that seriously makes me wonder why China has not taken over America yet. They have over a billion more people than us and they start training kids for the military in elementary school. And yes, I know that’s why these kids take this path to school. You want to tell me that out of every way possible these kids can take to school, the one with a 95% death rate is the easiest? Out of my face, China. We’re not stupid over here, we can read between the lines. You’re training them at a young age to take over the world. You know it, I know it, everyone and their grandparents knows it. Don’t necessarily hate the approach, just don’t make a news story that this is the only path they can take when you’re clearly in phase 1 of world domination.

– Silky Mitts


Got any good tips on stories? Wanna share your own? Send them to All stories are appreciated.

US Navy Ship Fires Laser Beam to Destory a Drone. America!

Such a power move on our part to post this video on the internet. Love it. Love America. North Korea posts a couple horribly made cartoon videos that Kim-Jong Fatshit probably made in his mothers basement sitting in his underwear of NYC in flames and we post a real video of Navy battleships using fucking lasers to take down a drone over 10 football fields away. I love how we already know we are better than them in every way, and we just remind them by even topping them in videos. North Korea, are you good at anything? Do you even have lasers, bro? Probably not…

– Silky Mitts

p.s. Sitting in the enemy plane and seeing the laser beam strike your plane has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. A rocket or guns can be evaded if you’re a good enough pilot. But a laser? You’re done bro. Thanks for coming out.

%d bloggers like this: