NHL Ref Tim Peel Calls Out Diving Fanatic James Neal on Embellishment

This was so awesome to see. Everyone knows that hockey refs are better than refs in any other sport because of the player-ref relationship. In football the refs throw a flag if you fart to close to the QB. In the NBA you get T’d up if you stand too close to the refs. In soccer? Well in soccer refs get fucking beheaded if they make a bad call. Safe to say that relationship is a bit rocky. In hockey though, the ref will tell you to fuck yourself and get in the fucking box. You can yell back at him and he’ll just tell you to shut the fuck up, it’s great.

Now, James Neal is a fuck stain. Has been diving since before I was sucking on your mothers teet. He was a rat on the Penguins and it seems as if Crosby taught him the ropes of diving, crying and receiving anal. So good on Tim Peel to not let some divers dictate the game. Anytime anyone gets hit in the chest they throw their heads back in the air like they just got a bullet in the head, JFK style.

The Bruins scored about 8 seconds into the power play by the way. (But still lost the game. win-win-win)

– Silky Mitts

Anyone See Those Levitating Cars in China? Well They “Solved” it, Was Just a Loose Tangled Wire!

 

OHHHHH so it was just a wire mix up ey? Some random loose wire on the street wrapped up two buses and a car? Well that solves it, guess we don’t have to look into this anymore!

Seriously China, that’s the best you got? You may be able to fool the mooks in Washington or the suits on Wall Street but not this guy, not Silky Mitts! This is China, they’re already the closest things to Aliens so if you don’t think that I know this was alien voodoo than you’re a dink. Listen China and Aliens have been working together since before you and I were born. And the government knows it.

You’re telling me the people that eat live cats and who puke into each others mouths for fun AREN’T related to Aliens? Fuck out of my face with these shenanigans. It’s insulting to me, it’s insulting to my country. I won’t stand for this garbage. Just admit whatever project you were working on with GleepGlop and the Martians went awry and I’ll go back to blogging about gorgeous looking flow on NHLers from the boxers on my couch. Seriously China I eat enough disgusting leftover food I don’t need you pissing on my face also.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. I just realized that I probably figured out all of china’s secrets so my computer may explode sooooooo if you’re reading this just kidding lolololOLOloLOlolOLO I know its just a wire *wink wink*

p.s.s If I go missing anytime soon tell Hagelin he’s got luscious flow.

Chicago’s Turn to Unveil Their Stadium Series Jerseys….

Yesterday the Detroit Red Wings unveiled their winter classic, stadium series, whatever the fuck they’re calling their game, jerseys. I thought they were pretty cool. Saw a lot of mixed reviews but would say 60/40 didn’t like them. Those twitter eggs just like to critique everything for the sake of being a cynical asshole. They were simple with a new-agey logo of just the letter D, which is pretty retro in itself. Whatever, These Mitts are tired of talking about the Red Wings sweaters.

The Blackhawks usually always have phenomenal jerseys. Their regular ones are probably the nicest jerseys in sports and their past winter classic sweaters have been nice. There’s no point in writing a whole blog about how disgusting a jersey is, so let’s see how they top themselves this year…

 

 

 

 

 

 

CUlrvhDXAAAHtEE

UMMMMM WHAT?!?!?!?!

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Those are the most disgusting jerseys I’ve ever seen! They deserve their own blog to be written about them they’re so terrible. They look like jerseys you get at roller tourneys for free. Like they should have an advertisement from the local pizzeria on the bottom or youjizz.com or something. It’s like it’s boring and complicated at the same time. Sort of like literal vomit.

I feel like I would see some shit rapper wear this on stage because he got it at Lids on the low low. The fronts just basic but they make it shiny and they have the stripes being interrupted by their other logo, AND THAT COLLAR?!?!?! Can we talk about the collar? Looks like some fuckstick made half and said fuck it I’m going home. I’ve never been so irrationally angry at something that doesn’t concern me.

Overall score: 1.8/10

– Silky Mitts

Red Wings Unveil New Stadium Series Sweaters

Nothing gets Silky Mitts dick harder than new hockey teams revealing their sweaters. Doesn’t take much to get me solid, but in order of things that give me a boner it would be new hockey jerseys, good whiskey and Lundqvist. Oh, and whores. Whores get me going too. But I digress, let’s see what they look like…

 

 

 

 

Red Wimgs Sweater

Silky smooth! Love um! Kind of has that old school feel but the D logo on the front looks slick and fresh. Hope Datsyuk stays healthy cause I need to see him in this bad boy. Red Wings will be wearing these on February 27th against the Colorado Avalanche in Colorado for the Stadium Series match.

Not to nit pick but don’t really like the “Red Wings” on the collar, but everything else makes me dizzy from the blood rushing from my head to my penis so, not bad.

Overall: 8.2/10

– Silky Mitts

What do you think? Feel free to let me know in the comments so I can tell you why you’re wrong if you disagree with me.

Rugrats Artist Reveals What They Would Look Like Today

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So as a 24 year old this show was the absolute tits back in the day. Some days when we couldn’t get our regular babysitter to come over to watch my 5 year old ass, my mom would just tell me to watch 4 Rugrats episodes while she was at work and she’ll be home. Worked every time. I had no time conception and just had the TV babysit me for 2 hours and boom, she was home. So this is pretty big news for me and 90’s kids everywhere. Did the big dick swinging Tommy Pickles get yoked up? Did Phil and Lil just become one person? Does Chuckie figure out how to tie his fucking shoes? Let’s see…..

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Holy shit! What a sad looking group of individuals. I mean Lil looks disgusting. It’s like her legs stopped growing when she was 3 but has been eating Big Macs everyday to compensate. You’d think after putting on 200 pounds in her upper torso alone she’d have a little more than those 2 bee stings she calls titties? Sad looking person right there. Phil doesn’t look that bad to be honest. Just a fat kid with some shit on his chin to tickle Lil when he goes down on her.

Tommy looking like that is the upset of the century. In the show Tommy was the coolest. Just a ruthless character that did absolutely anything for his friends while simultaneously make every girl flood their living room day in and day out. Wouldn’t be surprised if most girls had to wear floats when watching this kid take his dick and smack it in the face of every adversary he faced. Kid was braver than you or I and he knew it. In fact, reminds me of a young Silky Mitts. But for him to look like THAT now? No fucking way. He looks like a man that gave up on life the minute the show stopped and probably got a chick preggo too early in life and has been driving in a mini van for years thinking of ways to off himself. Very unfortunate.

Now Chuckie? Listen Chuckie was a faggot. Scared little bitch that was born into the lottery having Tommy “Slayer” Pickles be his best friend cause Tommy would beat up anything that fucked with Chuck. But in this picture he looks like a teenage girl. He looks exactly like a lesbian. Like he looks like he should be leading a feminist protest or something. He seems like a feminist that hasn’t showered in like 5 years because it’s empowering to women or some dumb shit. It’s like if this guy…

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grew a pussy and went to lens crafters. Jesus Chuck put some fucking effort into life, you know. Get a real haircut, lift a fucking weight and slay some strange already.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. Angelica absolutely did it for me back in the day. An angry cut throat bitch that treated guys like shit? Sign me the fuck up. I would shoot boners straight through my ranger power underwear that would embarrass Ron Jeremy.

Dude Catches Rare Half Jewish,Half Goblin Shark

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(CNN) – We’re talking about a goblin shark — only the second member of his species ever caught in the Gulf of Mexico, and the first since 2000, shark expert John Carlson said. Carl Moore, 63, of Townsend, Georgia, was the unlikely archeologist of this ichthyological wonder, which he estimates was 18 to 20 feet long. He caught it on April 19, about halfway through an 18-day fishing trip. Carlson guesses it was closer to 15 feet, with the largest goblin shark ever measuring 18 feet. Moore decided an exact appraisal wasn’t in his best interest. “I was going to take the tape measure, then he flashed around again. I said, ‘Forget the measurement. That thing’ll eat me up!'”

Look at the shnoze on that thing!! This has got to be one of the ugliest/scariest demon things these mitts have ever seen. Look how scary that mug is. It’s cool I guess, not like I ever wanted to go to the beach ever again. It says it was caught in the Gulf of Mexico but I don’t give a shit. I don’t think I can ever go into a body of water again. Knowing that something like this is just swimming around has my trousers doused in piss. Looks like if a hammer head shark, a grizzly bear and my bank accountant had a demon offspring.

So I guess it’s no more oceans for Silky Mitts. No more bays, lakes, pools. Not even any more puddles. Regardless of where these things live if I avoid water all together I cut my chance of getting eaten by this thing to 0%. And even that’s a little much.

– Silky Mitts

Brain Dead Female Reporter Asks Patrick Kane If Last Night Was His First OT Game Winner…

Probably should have just left the “female” part out of the title, since it’s a given. That was asked by Peggy Kusinski and this seriously this has to got be 100% the dumbest question I have ever heard. Has Kane scored any OT goals? G toots lemme think…

I guess maybe she thought since that goal was to win the STANLEY CUP that it didn’t count? This woman should be stripped of her title as a journalist and as a human. can’t be havin a bunch of chicken heads runnin amok in hockey locker rooms asking questions a 2 year old knows. Maybe she should ask if he beats up cab drivers too? Or if he goes to colleges around the nation and makes every whores wet dream come true? I understand it’s not this womans fault since I’m assuming her IQ falls somewhere in between Terry Shiavo and a light post. But you just can’t be doin this shit. Not now. Not during the playoffs. Clean it up, shut it down.

– Silky Mitts

UPDATE: I guess it was a joke?

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oooooo you were being sarcastic! lol! That was a good one! Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I may be dumb but I’m not an idiot. Don’t spit on my dick and tell me it’s raining. You fucked up and instead of manning owning up to the fuck up you’re trying to cover your tracks. Absolutely erroneous.

p.s. NBC-5 Sports. Your reporter Peggy…woof…

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@fgsilkymitts

Rangers Take It To Philly, Get 2-1 Series Lead

View image on Twitter

All around great game. The beginning was very reminiscent of game 2 when they went up 2-0 and let the Flyers get a quick one before the end of the 1st period. Was getting kind of nervous, especially since the game was in Philly. However the absolute ROCKET of a clapper from Girardi made me blast my excitement through my pants. Once they took a 3-1 lead I felt much more comfortable. That and I was quite drunk at that point too. But the story of the game was none other than this man right here…

Carcillo

Dan Carcillo. Who’d a thought? Dude 100% played the best period of his life in the 3rd period of last nights game. Matt Read gave him a dirty cheap shot when he elbowed him in the face and got no call, but Carcillo didn’t miss a shift. Then a minute later Carcillo got called cause refs wanted to give the Flyers a chance to make a come back. Only excuse considering Carcillo didn’t touch anyone. And right out of the box Carcillo had a beaut of a tip in which resulted in one of the best celly’s these mitts have ever seen…

Huge, HUGE game on Friday. Rangers win and they go into the Garden with a chance to end the series. They lose and it becomes a best of 3 with 2 at home. Which, this season, hasn’t been all that great.  Let’s hope it’s the former and Rangers send Geezus* to the links early.

– Silky Mitts

*Calling Giroux “Geezus” is one of, if not the dumbest nickname in all of sports. 1) He’s canadian. 2) It doesn’t sound like Jesus. Wanna know the only similarity? They have two syllables. 3) He’s ginger. That probably should have been number 1.

p.s. That flow Carcillo’s rockin might have to be Flow of the Week.

 

 

Mrs. Doubtfire 2 Is Happening and Being a Cynical Asshole I Couldn’t Be Angrier.

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(One of the creepiest images of all time)

(Huff Po): Slam a cake in your face and call it a beauty treatment because “Mrs. Doubtfire” is getting a sequel. The Hollywood Reporter announced that a follow-up to the 1993 comedy is in the works, and that Robin Williams is on board to reprise his role as the divorced dad-turned-cross-dressing housekeeper. Chris Columbus will be back in the director’s chair with David Berenbaum (“Elf”) attached to write the screenplay.

The only…and I mean the ONLY saving grace of having a sequel to this movie is that Chris Columbus is directing this movie. For those of you who don’t know he directed what could be called the greatest sequel of all time, in Home Alone 2. He directed the first one which is a life changing movie and then hit a grand slam with a sequel. Mrs. Doubtfire was very good but it was also made in 1993. A fucking TWENTY ONE year grace period between the movies only says one thing to me, and that’s that everybody involved is desperate for money. Home Alone 1 and 2 were 2 years apart. Everything was fresh. Macaulay Culkin had not yet turned to the needle and turned into a psychopath rock star. Harry and Marv just recently escaped from prison so they were free to do the movie. All the pieces fit at the time.

Robin Williams is supposedly signed on to play a tranny again and after a couple decades this movie can only suck shit. I hope I’m wrong. But I never am. That’s why I’m nervous.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. If Mrs. Doubtfire was a horror movie I think it could have been top 5 all time best horrors. Watch this shit. Goosebumps like you read about…

 

Power Move: Woman(?) Dresses Her Pet Anteaters In Human Clothes

 

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Where is your God now?!?! This seriously might be one of the most psychotic things I’ve seen in my life. I’m not talking about the anteaters dressed to the 9’s. I’m talking about that thing that dresses them. The article says it’s a woman? No shot that’s a woman. I’ve seen really ugly women before. Like vial, unfortunate looking hogs. I’ve woken up hungover next to them on occasion. But this isn’t one of them. This thing shows no indication of being a woman. And don’t give me this “long hair” shit. Hippie bros rocked that hair like it was their job back in the day. Not to mention that freshly shaved mustache is screaming at me through my computer screen.

Could you imagine walking down the road and seeing this thing walking down power ant eaters in sweaters? I would turn around and walk the other way so fast you’d think I just saw an ex-girlfriend. I’ve crossed the street when people are walking their dogs or I see 1 or more black people. No way in HELL I’m passing a crew of ant eaters and a bat shit insane man-woman-beast. Might as well pack my things and shake hands with the devil himself.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Barstool Sports

 

p.s. I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this picture. Everyone knows red leather makes the girls weak in their knees. Sucks for all the other bro ant eaters who will have to wait for this guys left overs.

EMERGENCY P.P.S: Realized who this woman looks EXACTLY like…

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Spitting image.

 

 

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