Dude Catches Rare Half Jewish,Half Goblin Shark

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(CNN) – We’re talking about a goblin shark — only the second member of his species ever caught in the Gulf of Mexico, and the first since 2000, shark expert John Carlson said. Carl Moore, 63, of Townsend, Georgia, was the unlikely archeologist of this ichthyological wonder, which he estimates was 18 to 20 feet long. He caught it on April 19, about halfway through an 18-day fishing trip. Carlson guesses it was closer to 15 feet, with the largest goblin shark ever measuring 18 feet. Moore decided an exact appraisal wasn’t in his best interest. “I was going to take the tape measure, then he flashed around again. I said, ‘Forget the measurement. That thing’ll eat me up!'”

Look at the shnoze on that thing!! This has got to be one of the ugliest/scariest demon things these mitts have ever seen. Look how scary that mug is. It’s cool I guess, not like I ever wanted to go to the beach ever again. It says it was caught in the Gulf of Mexico but I don’t give a shit. I don’t think I can ever go into a body of water again. Knowing that something like this is just swimming around has my trousers doused in piss. Looks like if a hammer head shark, a grizzly bear and my bank accountant had a demon offspring.

So I guess it’s no more oceans for Silky Mitts. No more bays, lakes, pools. Not even any more puddles. Regardless of where these things live if I avoid water all together I cut my chance of getting eaten by this thing to 0%. And even that’s a little much.

– Silky Mitts

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Bro “Accidentally” Shoots His Wife In The Mouth With A Harpoon, Comes Less Than An Inch From Killing Her.

So this dude claims he was cleaning his gun and it happened to fire directly in his wife’s grill. Sure thing, buddy. I feel like too often I see stories of people cleaning their harpoons and accidentally shoot someone in the face. You know what the reasonable number for amount of news stories you should see about accidental harpoon incidents a year? 1. No more, no less. And since there was already a story about the dude who harpooned himself in his head this year this leads me to believe this was no accident. No. What we have here is a classic case of man tries to kill wife with harpoon, misses by a centimeter, says it was an accident. No shot this dude “happened” to shoot his wife perfectly in her head. I may not be the smartest guy, or smart at all for that matter, but I know a failed harpoon cleaning murder attempt when I see one. Your attempt at murder failed, get over it. You may be able to fool some of the mooks on wall street but not this guy! Not Silky Mitts!

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: NY Post

Asshole Scientists Find Secret To Never Dying.

So a bunch of scientists found a region in our brain that might help people live much longer. My question to scientists – why the fuck would you do that? Do you have any idea how many people live on this earth? Too many. If you extend people’s life expectancy all that means is that there will be more assholes to cut you off on the highway, more assholes applying for that job that you really want, more assholes fanning their towels at the beach getting sand all up in your potato salad, the list is endless. Not being cynical, just saying instead of increasing the population we should be drastically decreasing it. There’s simply too many people. I’m not talking like, 10 or 20 people too many, i’m talking like 1 or 2 billion too many. There are so many stupid people that inhabit this earth that contribute absolutely nothing to anyone. Ever. People that go through life, don’t create anything, and die. Just remember next time when you go to a restaurant and the waiting time for a table is over an hour, it’s because of these douchey scientists.

I don’t want to sound all high and mighty either. I would easily put myself in the category of people who contribute nothing. Just another person to add burger king wrappers to the great pacific ocean garbage patch. Am I saying I should leave the earth now? Absolutely not. Should my life be extended anymore past it’s expiration date? Hell no. Would you drink milk a week after it expires? Didn’t think so. Case closed. Game, set, match, Silky Mitts. I won. Game over…end of game.

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: France 24

p.s. Who wants to live past 100 anyway? I’ve seen people who are in their 90’s and they’re absolutely miserable. Have to shit in bed pans, food has to be brought to them, don’t talk to anyone, they have to sit in a chair all day. Actually…that sounds pretty sweet. Extend my life, scientists!

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