Seton Hall University Basketball Coach To Start Season Off By Facing Kobayashi In A Hot Dog Eating Contest.



Fucking Seton Hall. You have terrible year, after terrible year, and then you go and do something stupid like this…and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELVES!  Seriously this is one of the greatest ideas I’ve ever heard since someone told me to put a chicken sandwich in between a McDouble (heart-stoppingly orgasmic. try now, thank later). I am in debt to that place, oh, I don’t know, bout $200,000 after spending four years of way too many fap sessions and writing useless papers about 18th century african american womens literature and I couldn’t be happier to see where my money is going. That school milked my family for everything we’re worth without ever giving anything back except a massive pile of debt, but to find out that our head coach is going to face the all time greatest hot dog eater, and everyones idol Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest, is so tits. Nothing and I mean NOTHING would pump my nads and get me excited for college basketball more than seeing that japanese hot dog vacuum suck down watered hot dogs. I wonder how much it cost to get the sensation there. SHU was such tight butthole with their money. Over charged the food, shut the library lights off at like 5 o clock during the week. For a catholic university they were the most jewish school I knew. But now I know why they were saving all that money this whole time.

Every team in the Big East is probably reviewing tapes of the new teams that are coming into the division, thinking that will help them win. haha. Fat chance. You keep wasting time trying to figure out Butler and Xavier’s defense, we’ll watch a grown man eat 50 hot dogs in 5 minutes. After this I seriously don’t think Seton Hall will lose a game all year, if ever. SHU!

– SIlky Mitts

Original Link: USA Today

New Study Says Ice From Fast Food Places Is Dirtier Than Water From Your Toilet. Am I Supposed To Be Shocked?

Reason #4,567,352,654,345 why I will never understand people who complain about their fast food experiences. I thought it was a given that even something as simple as ice would still be filthier than water that we shit in. It’s fast food. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is healthy. I’m pretty sure the only way a fast food joint is allowed to open is if a food inspector watches them shove glass into burgers and makes sure the employees rub their nut sacks on the ice. Honestly, if I found out that the ice was healthier than toilet water I would be so suspicious. I would assume that instead of water they freeze piss or something. So it’s good that this study came out. Just makes ordering drinks at Burger King that much more comfortable.

Also, dogs drink out of toilets. And I heard that dogs mouths are healthier than humans mouths, or somethin like that. So no surprise ice isn’t as healthy as toilet water. Dogs (as always) know what’s up.

Oh and I don’t want to scare any English majors who enjoy wearing scarves in hot weather but Starbucks was involved in this study.  So to save you time and money instead of going to starbucks, next time just blast some heat in your toilet, throw some ice in there, scoop a big gulp and enjoy. Same basic thing.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Yahoo

Domino’s to Deliver Pizza By Flying Drones In What Could Be Called The Greatest Thing Ever.

Listen, there are sweet inventions like the wheel or plastic.  And then there are absolutely ingenious inventions.  Inventions such as the remote for your TV, toilet paper for your asshole, and now, Dominos flying drones to your doorstep.  These are the kind of inventions that get people to whisper Nobel Prize around the streets. So perfect it makes me angry.  In fact, I have no clue how I’ve been living all these years without having a drone delivering fresh hot pizzas to my doorstep.  Feel pretty foolish actually.

And I know what you’re thinking. Silky Mitts, having a drone deliver a pizza is literally the exact same thing as a delivery guy.  Uhhh no. It’s not. Idiot. Having a delivery guy deliver pizzas is terrible for both parties. For the consumer it sucks when the delivery guy has a shit attitude and is ungrateful no matter the amount of money you give him. The terrible part for the delivery guy is having to stare at the stupid consumer waiting for your tip which you know will be a shitty tip. I would know, I used to be a delivery boy.

So you see, having a foot in both doors I can tell you that delivering pizzas suck, dealing with delivery guys sucks, the only logical explanation is to bring out the drones. Give the American people what we want! We want drones! We want drones!

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: New York Post

Debate As Old As Time: Poptarts vs. Toaster Strudels…Who Ya Got?

So the other day I was shopping and brought home toaster strudels and my roommate has the absolute gall to tell me that he thinks not only are pop tarts better, but toaster strudels suck. Are you kidding me bro? That’s honest to god psychopath killer talk. I’m not positive but I’m like 90% sure hitler preferred pop tarts too. If you choose pop tarts over toaster strudels you must own like 50 cats. At least. Toaster strudels have been and will forever be the superior breakfast food over poptarts. That’s not my opinion, it’s a fact. I mean like, it’s not even a close competition. Toaster Strudels over poptarts all day everyday. The people that like pop tarts over toaster strudels are probably the same people who like pepsi over coke. Just cuckoo looney talk. Now I’m not saying pop tarts are bad. Toast those bad boys up, throw some butter on that bitch and have an absolute field day on that pastry whore. I’m just saying toaster strudels are in a league of their own. Pop tarts are like the decently talented AA ball player while toaster strudels are Derek Jeter. Started at the very top, remained there, and will end there. Breakfast pastry 101.

So I ask the WordPress readers. Toaster Strudels vs. Pop Tarts…who ya got?

– Silky Mitts

p.s. If you have ever eaten or even considered eating an unfrosted pop tart you should immediately be sent to a mental institution for the rest of your life without a chance of release. Literally the craziest thing a single human being can do.

Another Day, Another Fast Food Incident Involving Glass In the Sandwich.

Not a week goes by that a story surfaces in the news about something wrong with fast food burgers. Not one week. People constantly complaining about their microwaved piece of processed meat that isn’t up to their standards. This time some gospel singer from Brooklyn was eating a chicken sandwich at McDonalds and bit into a shard of glass the size of a penny. Is this supposed to shock me? You ordered the chicken sandwich at a McD in Brooklyn. This ain’t a 5 star restaurant sweetie, it’s a shitty fast food joint that serves shitty food. People are always complaining about their fast food meat. Wah there’s glass in the sandwich, wahh there’s a mouse head in my drink, wahhhh there’s a beating heart on my burger. Grow up. Stop being so naive and start living in the real world. If a tiny piece of glass finds itself in your sandwich just pick it out, finish your meal, and count your blessings it wasn’t a human finger or something.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: NY Post

p.s. The chicken sandwich? Really? People actually order the chicken from fast food places? Call me crazy but you couldn’t pay me enough to even touch a chicken burger, let alone eat it.

p.p.s. As nasty as fast food is, the Big Mac is the king of burgers. You could argue with me that there are better burgers but you’d be a liar. And I don’t argue with liars.

Beer Review by Lafferty Daniel: Hogwild

Watch out for the party hog, he’ll get ya.

Have you ever looked at a pig and thought about beer?  Mostly I think about sweet beautiful bacon just resting on a skillet.  Listening to bacon sizzling on a skillet while being hungover is probably the greatest feeling in the world.  Sorry, I’m losing my train of thought here.  Back to beer, and pigs.  Why pigs?  Well today’s beer is the Hogwild brewed by Aviator Brewing Company on the east coast in North Carolina.  The Hogwild is an Indian Pale Ale and just from looking at the can you can tell this pig definitely likes to party and will probably eat your babies.  But who wouldn’t want to party with a pig who drinks beer?
  • First up for the Hogwild is the color.  The color of the Hogwild is a golden brown color.  This is the run-of-the-muck color of IPAs.  There is no fancy color for this IPA and no distinguishing factor for it yet.  Even though the color is similar to traditional or everyday IPAs, it is still a perty beer to look at.  I’m a sucker for any type of beer that has that golden tint to it.  I’m pretty much their slave.
  • Second up for the Hogwild is the taste, my favorite part.  The taste of the Hogwild is definitely bitter because Aviator uses 100 different types of hops when they brew this beer.  That bitter taste is accompanied by a hoppy flavor as well.  They go hand-in-hand as with any IPA out there.  The Hogwild finishes with a dry, but yet refreshing medium-bodied taste.  That’s the distinguishing factor right there!  Aviator manages to take this bitter beer and allows it to refresh the drinker, as well as not feeling full, at the same time.  This is where the Hog comes out and says “Hey!  Our IPA refreshes ya even on the hottest days of the year.  Drink it pansy!”
  • Third up for the Hogwild is the aroma.  The aroma of the Hogwild is hoppy and floral.  You basically can smell the bitter taste in your nose.  Tasting with your nose!  Their massive amount of hops used in the brew process gives off that floral smell as well.  They combine to create a great smelling beer, just in case you’re into that sort of thing; you know, smelling your beer.
This Hog came to party, but how does it stack up?  Well the color is pretty much the same color as traditional IPAs on the market.  The taste is bitter, slightly more bitter than most IPAs, but it allows the drinker to feel refreshed and not full.  The aroma gives you the sense of how bitter the beer is from the massive amount of hops.  For me, based on these facts, I would rate the Hogwild an 8.  This beer is great. The factor for me that stands out for Aviator is the fact that they can create a refreshing IPA.  Usually beers that are refreshing have a lighter body to them, but with this medium-bodied IPA I still felt refreshed even to the last drop.  The Hogwild has a 6.7 percent alcohol by volume allowing for moderate consumption, but that’s just enough to garner enough courage to walk up to that girl across the bar.  But you might find out the girl is a tree, and in that case you have had the perfect amount of beer.  The taste is great, so go ahead and get this beer and party with this Hog.
– Lafferty Daniel
Follow Him Here: @TheHopStopsHere

Asshole Scientists Find Secret To Never Dying.

So a bunch of scientists found a region in our brain that might help people live much longer. My question to scientists – why the fuck would you do that? Do you have any idea how many people live on this earth? Too many. If you extend people’s life expectancy all that means is that there will be more assholes to cut you off on the highway, more assholes applying for that job that you really want, more assholes fanning their towels at the beach getting sand all up in your potato salad, the list is endless. Not being cynical, just saying instead of increasing the population we should be drastically decreasing it. There’s simply too many people. I’m not talking like, 10 or 20 people too many, i’m talking like 1 or 2 billion too many. There are so many stupid people that inhabit this earth that contribute absolutely nothing to anyone. Ever. People that go through life, don’t create anything, and die. Just remember next time when you go to a restaurant and the waiting time for a table is over an hour, it’s because of these douchey scientists.

I don’t want to sound all high and mighty either. I would easily put myself in the category of people who contribute nothing. Just another person to add burger king wrappers to the great pacific ocean garbage patch. Am I saying I should leave the earth now? Absolutely not. Should my life be extended anymore past it’s expiration date? Hell no. Would you drink milk a week after it expires? Didn’t think so. Case closed. Game, set, match, Silky Mitts. I won. Game over…end of game.

– Silky Mitts


Original Link: France 24

p.s. Who wants to live past 100 anyway? I’ve seen people who are in their 90’s and they’re absolutely miserable. Have to shit in bed pans, food has to be brought to them, don’t talk to anyone, they have to sit in a chair all day. Actually…that sounds pretty sweet. Extend my life, scientists!

McDonalds About To Start Serving Breakfast Alllllllllllllll Day.

They already sell addictive fat greasy food that shortens lives immensely, and then they do something like this, and totally redeem themselves! Seriously this could be one of the greatest ideas in the history of mankind. Can’t think of much that would top this. The wheel, the remote control for a TV, and the morning after pill. Only things greater than an all day breakfast at McDonalds. Can you imagine getting trashed one night and going to McDonalds at midnight and they’re still serving mcgriddles with hash browns? And then you wake up with a hangover at 2 in the afternoon that could take down Andre the Giant and you can go back to McDonalds…and get the exact same thing. I’m gettin all hot and bothered just thinking about it.

– Silky Mitts


original Link: CNBC

Dude Buys Burger In 1999 And Holds On To It For 14 Years…Still Looks The Exact Same.

So this story is circulating the internet right now. People shocked that a shitty burger looks the exact same after 14 years. My question to concerned people…who gives a shit? Are people really shocked about this story? Like wait, the 89 cent piece of processed beef I paid for that was ready in 2 seconds isn’t fresh? No way!

I mean, if you’re making the conscious decision to eat fast food you obviously don’t care about your well being. And if you don’t eat fast food cause you’re a pussy vegan or whatever than this story doesn’t concern you anyway. I’m not casting judgement either, I love fast food. Eat it all the time. So fake it tastes delicious. But the fact that this burger doesn’t look any different than it did when it was made doesn’t concern me. Doesn’t concern me in the slightest. If I ordered a salad and kept it for 14 years and it looked the same you bet your ass I would be extremely concerned. Because salad is supposed to be fresh. But this is fast food we’re talking about here. Diarrhea of the gods.

If anything I’m pretty sure this is a huge stepping stone in curing world hunger right? Could you imagine if every mcdonalds in the world saved one burger each day and after 14 years just dispersed all of them out to people in need? Christ almighty with an idea like that I deserve a nobel prize. At the very least a bid for presidency. Silky Mitts 4 President!

– Silky Mitts


Original Link: MSN

Woman Admits To Getting Wet Thinking About Popeye’s Fried Chicken.

This is my kind of chick! Fried chicken is so perfect and awesome I can’t blame her for getting off to it. Can’t blame her one bit. KFC, Popeye’s, Boston Market, they’re all the same shit, and one thing they have in common is that they have bangin’ fried chicken. All crispy, warm, delicious. I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it. Best part about this clip is that you can tell this woman 100% was having an orgasm on TV while explaining how she gets orgasms thinking about popeye’s chicken. Just gettin her nut on the set of the Steve Harvey Show on TV right in everyone’s grill piece.

This woman should be a spokesman for Popeye’s. Well, maybe a writer for Popeye’s and have like, Kate Beckinsale be the spokesman. Yeah, Kate Beckinsale.

– Silky Mitts


p.s. This screen shot describes the whole video perfectly. White stiff on the left who is extremely turned on by this fried chicken loving woman, the hot blonde in the middle who is laughing because she’s hot and doesn’t need a weird fetish to get off, and Steve Harvey with the black power fist. So proud that the woman’s fetish is fried chicken. So perfect.


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