Top 5 WORST Shows That I’ve Never Seen

Listen, everyone hates on shows that they’ve never seen. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and I’m afraid to tell you but your mothers done it. There are just too many shows out there that I’ve seen commercials for and right then and there have drawn the line. Too many “funny, witty nerds” who aren’t funny they’re just dweebs and too many shows that (according to their fan base) are just to smart for the regulars (which is code for the show sucks shit but they cant admit it). Well, Silky Mitts is here to tell you, without seeing any of these shows, here are the absolute worst.

 

5. 2 and a Half Men.

1 coked out lunatic, a flamboyant sally and a midget…wow sign me up! Seriously anyone who thinks this show is good should take a soothing bath with their plugged-in toaster oven. Make the world a better place. (I’ll admit without seeing any of it, the addition of Kutcher bumps it up a bit cause even though he acts just as poorly as I fuck, he’s a funny dude).

4. Big Bang Theory

The only….and I mean the ONLY saving grace of this show is the sexy as fuck Kaley Cuoco (pictured second from right). This show is everything that is wrong with America. The faggy nerd who is just ‘too cool’ for the rest of us who, you guessed it, is wearing the Green Lantern shirt* who for some reason talks real fast and everyone salivates for, is the biggest herb television as ever seen. Throw in a dude who thought he was trying out for That 70’s show and a Amir Patel and you have the ingredients for a program that lowers our IQ’s to that of a light post.

*Get it?! He likes comics…hes a nerd!! so funny lOLoloLololL!!.

3. The Pete Holmes Show.

Now as someone who greatly respects and appreciates Stand Up Comedy and what it takes I will not bash Pete Holmes. What he has done is great and it’s awesome he’s got his own show. With that said, his show is god awful. All he does is tell a joke and a story that’s supposed to be funny and then laughs (cries?) at his own jokes while the audience is left to feel awkward/suicidal. He’s had on some INCREDIBLE guests such as Bill Burr and Bo Burnham. But, every time, like clockwork, he’s managed to make me feel as if I were on my own fathers death bed being demanded to pull the plug. I’m sure he’s earned his right, but, god damn dude…clean that shit up before Tyler Perry sweeps in and takes the last white man TBS show from you. Speaking of…

2. Any Tyler Perry Show.

Although Conan’s show kind of sucks, he’s the last good original TBS programming they have. Don’t get me wrong, Conan used to be incredible. When they went on the writers strike he was at his best, cause it was organic Conan. I’m not saying the Conan show has gone down hill. It has. That’s not what I’m saying though. Tyler Perry’s shtick of dressing like a fat black woman and hollarin at his(her?) grandson makes me want to break a little kids toy car. I really, really don’t want to, but that’s how bad he is. Yo Tyler Perry, for the love of god please stop making such shit. Swallow a knife already and be done with it.

 

1. NEW Family Guy

“Who’s the new dog? Fuck you, just watch the show.” – Fox Executives

Which leads me to my last and most hated unseen show. NEW Family Guy. Now before ye cast judgement, I love the old family guy. LOVE IT. The first 2-3 seasons are so funny and creative and original. Now that I got out of the way, the new family guy is atrocious. I wish there was a word that was worse. There probably is but my vocab doesn’t extend too far. Every fucking thing seems like a scene that takes 19 minutes out of the total 22 of Peter Griffin just singing an old Madonna song or something gay. I don’t understand how people still love it. I guess its like a cult following. It’s clearly horrible right? Like I’m sure the same people that still love new family guy are the same people who have to wear helmets indoors and are home schooled. There’s no plot, the viewer doesn’t have to think. I imagine they just sit at home watching their tube and clap their hands like a walrus when for the 8 billionth time Chris Griffin mentions there’s a monkey in his closet who is having an affair or they mention Meg is ugly. Seth McFarlene is laughing his ass off to the bank while all his viewers write a blank check to Fox. Meanwhile “Hello Ladies” on HBO staring the guy that helped create The Office gets no love…sad world.

 

-Silky Mitts

ESPN Bringing Back Their NHL Theme Song For The Frozen Four!!

 

Let’s fuckin gooo!! Erections! Erections everywhere!! Seriously this is one of if not the best sports theme song of all time. Actually, it definitely is. Couple others come close* but this one is unparallelled to the rest. I could probably run through a brick wall right now listening to this orgasmic master piece. Makes me think about the days of Hull, Yzerman, Sakic and all the other stars from the 90’s. Biggest mistake ESPN every made was not renewing their deal with the NHL. Hockey night on ESPN was great. NBCSports does a great job now, but if you prefer Mike “Doc” Emerick over Bill Clement you’re an asshole. Just a big, stretched out, leaky, asshole. Not to mention a young Erin Andrews started there.

So yeah ESPN resurrecting the greatest sports theme song is pretty cool. In case you’re only semi chub right now for whatever reason here are some Datsyuk highlights that would make the Jeffery Dahmer rapings look consensual. Hearing Clements call on that first goal was nostalgic as fuck.

– Silky Mitts

 

 

*they don’t.

Shakira’s Ass Is Literally So Powerful That Colombia Wants To Ban Her New Video, Which By The Way Just Made Me Rip A Hole Through My Pants

Dear Mother of God! Stop the fight! Shakira’s ass just putting a god damn beat down on dicks from sea to shining sea! Did you see the way she was grinding up on the wall? I would murder the 10 closest people in my life if it meant I got to lick the wall a year after this video. That ass as some unreal hypnotic powers and I love it.

Anyway, to talk about the article…some columbian broad is complaining because Shakira’s ass is lights out and I’m guessing she’s a 55 year old shriveled up blue-haired whose pussy hasn’t seen any action since early 80’s. So of course she wants it banned. Now if you excuse me I’m going to rub one out so hard the friction’s gonna be able to start a fire.

shakira 1

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: CNN

Katy Perry Says Slutty Pop Stars Should Stop Flaunting Their Bodies

I’m confused here. Katy Perry judging slutty pop stars? The same Katy Perry that posed nude for that candy land song? Don’t get me wrong, I love how Perry flaunts her massive tits around in everyones grill piece and acts like shes not doing it. Kind of a major turn on actually. Like she thinks she’s being so elegant and professional when her diabolical fun bags are exploding through my computer screen. If that’s classy in her eyes I would love to see what slutty is. Probably the most fucked up shit you can possibly think of, but in a good way.

I don’t know what her angle is here, but I have a feeling mrs. perry is about to unleash the kinkiest shit you, me, or any other red blooded american male has ever seen. And that can be very dangerous. With eggplants like Katy Perry’s there could be another world war on our hands. Be on the look out, cause I have a hunch that them titties are going to have a major impact on the world very soon.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Page Six

This Dog Dancing To Eminem Is The Greatest Youtube Video Of All Time. Period.

I’ve watched this video somewhere around 500 times and I keep coming back for more. This dog is having the absolute time of it’s life. Only thing that could have made this video any better is if it were 10 hours longer. I’m trying to think of a better video in general and I just can’t do it. Dogs FTW

– Silky Mitts

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