Katy Perry Says Slutty Pop Stars Should Stop Flaunting Their Bodies

I’m confused here. Katy Perry judging slutty pop stars? The same Katy Perry that posed nude for that candy land song? Don’t get me wrong, I love how Perry flaunts her massive tits around in everyones grill piece and acts like shes not doing it. Kind of a major turn on actually. Like she thinks she’s being so elegant and professional when her diabolical fun bags are exploding through my computer screen. If that’s classy in her eyes I would love to see what slutty is. Probably the most fucked up shit you can possibly think of, but in a good way.

I don’t know what her angle is here, but I have a feeling mrs. perry is about to unleash the kinkiest shit you, me, or any other red blooded american male has ever seen. And that can be very dangerous. With eggplants like Katy Perry’s there could be another world war on our hands. Be on the look out, cause I have a hunch that them titties are going to have a major impact on the world very soon.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Page Six

Nazi Enthusiast Who Named His Children “Adolf Hitler” and “JoyceLynn Aryan Nation” Legitimately Confused Why He Has To Fight In Court For Custody Of His Children. Oh and He Showed Up To Court In Full Blown Nazi Threads.

This story is an absolute riot.  This proves how dumb people like this father are. His kids Little Adolf and Aryan Nation are taken away from him so naturally there’s only one logical thing to do to get them back…show up to court dressed to the Nazi 9’s. This bro fucked up so many times it’s comical. Name your kid after the #2 most hated man (Lebron #1) in the world? Check. Prove to the court you’re a sane man who can handle children by dressing in nazi clothes? Check. Make sure your sweet new swastika tat is poppin out for the judge and jury to see? Check.  Absolute looney central.

I know this is a free country and all so you’re free to do what you want. But bro, you can’t seriously think you can rock (the OG) Hitler’s outfit to a US court and expect people to give you the benefit of the doubt?  I could wear my bed sheet over my head to the middle of Detroit but if I expect anything but a prompt stabbing I’m as foolish as a Mets fan. So just take a breath, look in the mirror, and kill yourself. Cause you’re not only making yourself look ridiculous but you’re making Little Adolf and Aryan pretty embarrassed too.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Barstool Sports

p.s. Bro, your ball n chain…woof.

p.p.s. Want to make fun of the shit on his upper lip so bad but it doesn’t hold a match to Jordon’s hitler stash.

So nasty. So cocky. So Jordon.

There’s No Way These Parents Are So Terrible They Would Shove Their Kid In A Dog Cage Strapped To The Back Of A Pickup Truck…Right?

So I already had a whole thing typed up about how degrading this must be for the girl. How it’s gotta be top 3 most embarrassing things in the entire world. I mean, you’re a human, locked inside a fucking dog cage, on the back of a moving pickup truck. Everyone can see you cramped into a cage that a small dog sleeps in.  But apparently the daughter requested that she be in the back of the truck for the ride. The parents claim that she wanted to ride…in a dog cage…in the back of a pickup truck… on the pennsylvania turnpike. Umm okay, sure thing. This girl requested to be shoved into a cage like I requested to be an unemployed blogger talking about useless news stories. This story just absolutely SCREAMS hick so loud I can hear the mothers dip spit spewing down her necks.

The best part about this story is in the video below when their grandmother says “these parents were just granting her request, they would never put her in any danger”. Ummmm newsflash honey, they just put their 10 year old daughter in a dog cage on the back of a pick up truck. What the hell is your definition of “danger”?

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: NY Post

p.s. So I just read the rest of the article and apparently the girl claimed she just wanted to be with her dog for the trip. IIIIIII kind of feel like an asshole. Cause there’s no greater bond between a human and a dog. I would gladly throw 3, 4, 500 cats in front of a speeding 18 wheeler just to talk to my dog on the phone.

Spawn Of Satan Evicting Her 91 Year Old WW2 Veteran Grandfather Out Of His Own House That He Built.

I’ve read some messed up shit before, but this may take the cake for the most evil, sinister thing someone can do. You’re kicking him out of a house that he created. Like, he built it. Himself. He’s too old, where’s he supposed to go? Look at him, he’s, too old! Unreal anyone would do this to their own grandfather who served in WW2. This American fought in battle so people like this bitch can be free and eat bacon whenever they fucking want. How do you eat bacon and still have an urge to evict your grandfather? It’s fucking bacon. Chicks got a soul as dirty as Harriet Tubman’s grundle and heart as icey as the lakes in canada.

If I was this bro I would call over my old army buddies and go straight torture status. Only thing people as cold as her can understand. I’m talking like water-boarding, pealing her fingernails off, boring her with army stories. Hearing stories from your grandfather that you’ve already heard 40 billion times is so rough. If she’s able to get away with this I may have to take action myself. And when Silky Mitts takes action into his own hands, Silky Mitts gets the job done. That’s a promise.

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: ABC

p.s. Cool it with the gums, toots. Shit’s nasty.

Maxim Puts Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend In Hottest 100 List.

Really Maxim? Trying to be topical much? This is the dumbest thing I’ve seen since Mind of Mencia. What editor saw this and gave it the green light? Gotta be a blind monkey with downs right? Only explanation to wasting a spot on Maxim’s top 100 with a floating bikini. And they made her #69 too. Get it! Like, the sex move?! That’s genius! Jesus christ, Maxim. Put your bat down and stop abusing that horse that’s been decaying for quite some time now. We get it. Te’o didn’t have a girfriend. It was funny the first 138,749,756,174,357,287,465 times we heard a fake GF joke. But honestly, if you make a derpy Te’o joke right now best believe I’m gonna roll my eyes so hard I’ll be able to see my cranium. Not to mention putting a fake woman at #69 means you’re implying there are 31 women who are uglier than an invisible woman. A stat like that will obliterate any woman’s self esteem.

So great joke Maxim, glad to know you think #70 Nina Agdal…

was ranked uglier than this…

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Maxim Top 100 List

p.s. Miley Cyrus at #1? Is this list a joke and it’s just going over my head? Was the list made by The Onion? Is it April 1st? I seriously don’t understand this at all. My head hurts. I’m going to bed.

Bro “Accidentally” Shoots His Wife In The Mouth With A Harpoon, Comes Less Than An Inch From Killing Her.

So this dude claims he was cleaning his gun and it happened to fire directly in his wife’s grill. Sure thing, buddy. I feel like too often I see stories of people cleaning their harpoons and accidentally shoot someone in the face. You know what the reasonable number for amount of news stories you should see about accidental harpoon incidents a year? 1. No more, no less. And since there was already a story about the dude who harpooned himself in his head this year this leads me to believe this was no accident. No. What we have here is a classic case of man tries to kill wife with harpoon, misses by a centimeter, says it was an accident. No shot this dude “happened” to shoot his wife perfectly in her head. I may not be the smartest guy, or smart at all for that matter, but I know a failed harpoon cleaning murder attempt when I see one. Your attempt at murder failed, get over it. You may be able to fool some of the mooks on wall street but not this guy! Not Silky Mitts!

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: NY Post

Abercrombie and Fitch Not Lookin So Good Telling People They’d Rather Burn Clothing Than Give It To The Homeless.

So an A&F spokesman came out the other day admitting that they would rather burn their faulty clothing than donate to charity. They say poor people wearing their clothes is bad for their image. I want to go on record saying that’s horrible, disgraceful and inhumane. With that said, I completely understand why they’re doing this. This is a business, it’s not a charity organization. If anyone could wear their product, no one would. Personally I don’t wear any of their clothing. Kinda gay. But bottom line is if I see someone wearing A&F clothing I assume they can support themselves financially. If I was walking in NYC and saw a homeless guy sporting a flamboyant, torn A&F shirt I would assume that everyone who’s anyone can score their merch. Which would result in me judging everyone I see wearing their shit. No one wins.

Imagine you’re taking a girl out on a first date. You just had a great dinner and you’re walking out the joint and a guy living on the street who smells like dog shit asks you for spare change and is wearing the exact same shirt as you. Buzz kill city. If you’re stupid enough to think you can get laid after an incident like that I have a bridge to sell you.

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: Gather

p.s. The people that make “snuggie” should donate their robes to the homeless. Hobo’s don’t want to wear stupid Abercrombie shirts with a random date stitched on them. They want to be comfortable while living on the street. Snuggie, get on that.

Mother of the Year Candidate From Long Island Left Her 4 Kids In A Car While She Got Shitfaced At A Bar.

What a fox! Seriously though, not a good look for this mother of the year candidate. Left 4 kids in a car and to make matters worse one of the kids is autistic. Yikes. She didn’t just leave them in the car for a second to run in a 7-11 to grab a soda either. Fatso here was on a mission to get stupid drunk and if that means ditching her offspring for a couple hours, so be it.

Gotta be honest though, love this woman’s hustle. Having 4 kids will not stop this woman from ripping shots in the middle of the day. Oh I have to watch our 4 kids all day? Tough shit, I’m getting shitfaced. They’re not old enough to drink so they had to chill in the car. Kind of makes an extreme amount of sense if you think about it. They could have been unsupervised at home all day where there’s knives and faulty outlets everywhere. This woman just lookin out for her kids. She may even deserve a medal of some sort.

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: NY Post

p.s. If I was a cop you could not pay me enough money to arrest this woman at the bar. She looks like the type of broad that would knock you the fuck out if you took her drink away from her. Mother with 4 kids, day drinking, hasn’t showered in days. I know better than to fuck with that person.

No Big Deal Just A Family That Was Never Taught To Walk On 2 Legs.

Bizarro city, population this family. I mean is that even comfortable? What the hell do you get out of walking on all fours? Bro, you look like a monkey. We’re homo erectus now, you can walk upright. Act like it. And it’s not like they’re crawling, cause their knees never touch the floor. Just their hands and feet scrapping dirt and rocks and shit all day. I don’t get it. You’re gonna cut up your hands, get them dirty, calluses destroying your entire hand like you read about. Call me crazy but I don’t see any positives coming out of this. Walk like a monkey for so long your backs gonna morph and you won’t be able to stand up straight at all. Forget about ever having pleasurable sex ever again. The only purpose for sex for you will be strictly to procreate and everyone knows that’s the only downside of fucking. That and trying to slink out of her apartment in the middle of the night without her noticing. Point is, this may be the stupidest thing you could do for no reason. They get no benefit, we get no benefit, everyone loses. No one cares you’re trying to be different cause you look like idiots. Not trying to be mean, just laying down the facts.

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: Slate

Asshole Scientists Find Secret To Never Dying.

So a bunch of scientists found a region in our brain that might help people live much longer. My question to scientists – why the fuck would you do that? Do you have any idea how many people live on this earth? Too many. If you extend people’s life expectancy all that means is that there will be more assholes to cut you off on the highway, more assholes applying for that job that you really want, more assholes fanning their towels at the beach getting sand all up in your potato salad, the list is endless. Not being cynical, just saying instead of increasing the population we should be drastically decreasing it. There’s simply too many people. I’m not talking like, 10 or 20 people too many, i’m talking like 1 or 2 billion too many. There are so many stupid people that inhabit this earth that contribute absolutely nothing to anyone. Ever. People that go through life, don’t create anything, and die. Just remember next time when you go to a restaurant and the waiting time for a table is over an hour, it’s because of these douchey scientists.

I don’t want to sound all high and mighty either. I would easily put myself in the category of people who contribute nothing. Just another person to add burger king wrappers to the great pacific ocean garbage patch. Am I saying I should leave the earth now? Absolutely not. Should my life be extended anymore past it’s expiration date? Hell no. Would you drink milk a week after it expires? Didn’t think so. Case closed. Game, set, match, Silky Mitts. I won. Game over…end of game.

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Original Link: France 24

p.s. Who wants to live past 100 anyway? I’ve seen people who are in their 90’s and they’re absolutely miserable. Have to shit in bed pans, food has to be brought to them, don’t talk to anyone, they have to sit in a chair all day. Actually…that sounds pretty sweet. Extend my life, scientists!

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