Yankees Lose First Two Games of Season, Everyone Loses Their Shit. Relax, We’re the Yankees.

Yankees Lose First Two Games of Season, Everyone Needs To Relax. We're the Yankees.

So the greatest franchise in the history of forever lost their first two games of the season to the shittiest franchise in the history of sports and everyone’s freaking out. Well Silky Mitts has a message for other Yankee fans: Relax. It’s two games in a 1,345,245 game season.

People keep forgetting one thing…we’re the god damn Yankees. I don’t care if you swapped out the whole team for a local Tee Ball squad, once you put on the pin stripes something amazing happens to you. Remember when Peter Parker got bit by the spider and felt all tingly and got super powers? Yeah, that’s what it’s like when you throw on the Yankee sweater except you don’t date ugly vampires like Kirsten Dunce, you smash 12 out of 10’s like Minka Kelly and Melanie Iglesias.

I understand people may be concerned but chill out. We got Pettitte on the mound tonight and if he throws anything short of a Perfect Game I would be utterly shocked. And when that’s written by Mitts like mine that ain’t no jinx. Best believe that. NYY

– Silky Mitts

p.s. Prediction…Cano gets a solo shot in the 5th and Wells goes 3-3. Book it.

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