Rugrats Artist Reveals What They Would Look Like Today

rugrats

So as a 24 year old this show was the absolute tits back in the day. Some days when we couldn’t get our regular babysitter to come over to watch my 5 year old ass, my mom would just tell me to watch 4 Rugrats episodes while she was at work and she’ll be home. Worked every time. I had no time conception and just had the TV babysit me for 2 hours and boom, she was home. So this is pretty big news for me and 90’s kids everywhere. Did the big dick swinging Tommy Pickles get yoked up? Did Phil and Lil just become one person? Does Chuckie figure out how to tie his fucking shoes? Let’s see…..

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Holy shit! What a sad looking group of individuals. I mean Lil looks disgusting. It’s like her legs stopped growing when she was 3 but has been eating Big Macs everyday to compensate. You’d think after putting on 200 pounds in her upper torso alone she’d have a little more than those 2 bee stings she calls titties? Sad looking person right there. Phil doesn’t look that bad to be honest. Just a fat kid with some shit on his chin to tickle Lil when he goes down on her.

Tommy looking like that is the upset of the century. In the show Tommy was the coolest. Just a ruthless character that did absolutely anything for his friends while simultaneously make every girl flood their living room day in and day out. Wouldn’t be surprised if most girls had to wear floats when watching this kid take his dick and smack it in the face of every adversary he faced. Kid was braver than you or I and he knew it. In fact, reminds me of a young Silky Mitts. But for him to look like THAT now? No fucking way. He looks like a man that gave up on life the minute the show stopped and probably got a chick preggo too early in life and has been driving in a mini van for years thinking of ways to off himself. Very unfortunate.

Now Chuckie? Listen Chuckie was a faggot. Scared little bitch that was born into the lottery having Tommy “Slayer” Pickles be his best friend cause Tommy would beat up anything that fucked with Chuck. But in this picture he looks like a teenage girl. He looks exactly like a lesbian. Like he looks like he should be leading a feminist protest or something. He seems like a feminist that hasn’t showered in like 5 years because it’s empowering to women or some dumb shit. It’s like if this guy…

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grew a pussy and went to lens crafters. Jesus Chuck put some fucking effort into life, you know. Get a real haircut, lift a fucking weight and slay some strange already.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. Angelica absolutely did it for me back in the day. An angry cut throat bitch that treated guys like shit? Sign me the fuck up. I would shoot boners straight through my ranger power underwear that would embarrass Ron Jeremy.

Top 5 WORST Shows That I’ve Never Seen

Listen, everyone hates on shows that they’ve never seen. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and I’m afraid to tell you but your mothers done it. There are just too many shows out there that I’ve seen commercials for and right then and there have drawn the line. Too many “funny, witty nerds” who aren’t funny they’re just dweebs and too many shows that (according to their fan base) are just to smart for the regulars (which is code for the show sucks shit but they cant admit it). Well, Silky Mitts is here to tell you, without seeing any of these shows, here are the absolute worst.

 

5. 2 and a Half Men.

1 coked out lunatic, a flamboyant sally and a midget…wow sign me up! Seriously anyone who thinks this show is good should take a soothing bath with their plugged-in toaster oven. Make the world a better place. (I’ll admit without seeing any of it, the addition of Kutcher bumps it up a bit cause even though he acts just as poorly as I fuck, he’s a funny dude).

4. Big Bang Theory

The only….and I mean the ONLY saving grace of this show is the sexy as fuck Kaley Cuoco (pictured second from right). This show is everything that is wrong with America. The faggy nerd who is just ‘too cool’ for the rest of us who, you guessed it, is wearing the Green Lantern shirt* who for some reason talks real fast and everyone salivates for, is the biggest herb television as ever seen. Throw in a dude who thought he was trying out for That 70’s show and a Amir Patel and you have the ingredients for a program that lowers our IQ’s to that of a light post.

*Get it?! He likes comics…hes a nerd!! so funny lOLoloLololL!!.

3. The Pete Holmes Show.

Now as someone who greatly respects and appreciates Stand Up Comedy and what it takes I will not bash Pete Holmes. What he has done is great and it’s awesome he’s got his own show. With that said, his show is god awful. All he does is tell a joke and a story that’s supposed to be funny and then laughs (cries?) at his own jokes while the audience is left to feel awkward/suicidal. He’s had on some INCREDIBLE guests such as Bill Burr and Bo Burnham. But, every time, like clockwork, he’s managed to make me feel as if I were on my own fathers death bed being demanded to pull the plug. I’m sure he’s earned his right, but, god damn dude…clean that shit up before Tyler Perry sweeps in and takes the last white man TBS show from you. Speaking of…

2. Any Tyler Perry Show.

Although Conan’s show kind of sucks, he’s the last good original TBS programming they have. Don’t get me wrong, Conan used to be incredible. When they went on the writers strike he was at his best, cause it was organic Conan. I’m not saying the Conan show has gone down hill. It has. That’s not what I’m saying though. Tyler Perry’s shtick of dressing like a fat black woman and hollarin at his(her?) grandson makes me want to break a little kids toy car. I really, really don’t want to, but that’s how bad he is. Yo Tyler Perry, for the love of god please stop making such shit. Swallow a knife already and be done with it.

 

1. NEW Family Guy

“Who’s the new dog? Fuck you, just watch the show.” – Fox Executives

Which leads me to my last and most hated unseen show. NEW Family Guy. Now before ye cast judgement, I love the old family guy. LOVE IT. The first 2-3 seasons are so funny and creative and original. Now that I got out of the way, the new family guy is atrocious. I wish there was a word that was worse. There probably is but my vocab doesn’t extend too far. Every fucking thing seems like a scene that takes 19 minutes out of the total 22 of Peter Griffin just singing an old Madonna song or something gay. I don’t understand how people still love it. I guess its like a cult following. It’s clearly horrible right? Like I’m sure the same people that still love new family guy are the same people who have to wear helmets indoors and are home schooled. There’s no plot, the viewer doesn’t have to think. I imagine they just sit at home watching their tube and clap their hands like a walrus when for the 8 billionth time Chris Griffin mentions there’s a monkey in his closet who is having an affair or they mention Meg is ugly. Seth McFarlene is laughing his ass off to the bank while all his viewers write a blank check to Fox. Meanwhile “Hello Ladies” on HBO staring the guy that helped create The Office gets no love…sad world.

 

-Silky Mitts

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