Anyone See Those Levitating Cars in China? Well They “Solved” it, Was Just a Loose Tangled Wire!

 

OHHHHH so it was just a wire mix up ey? Some random loose wire on the street wrapped up two buses and a car? Well that solves it, guess we don’t have to look into this anymore!

Seriously China, that’s the best you got? You may be able to fool the mooks in Washington or the suits on Wall Street but not this guy, not Silky Mitts! This is China, they’re already the closest things to Aliens so if you don’t think that I know this was alien voodoo than you’re a dink. Listen China and Aliens have been working together since before you and I were born. And the government knows it.

You’re telling me the people that eat live cats and who puke into each others mouths for fun AREN’T related to Aliens? Fuck out of my face with these shenanigans. It’s insulting to me, it’s insulting to my country. I won’t stand for this garbage. Just admit whatever project you were working on with GleepGlop and the Martians went awry and I’ll go back to blogging about gorgeous looking flow on NHLers from the boxers on my couch. Seriously China I eat enough disgusting leftover food I don’t need you pissing on my face also.

– Silky Mitts

p.s. I just realized that I probably figured out all of china’s secrets so my computer may explode sooooooo if you’re reading this just kidding lolololOLOloLOlolOLO I know its just a wire *wink wink*

p.s.s If I go missing anytime soon tell Hagelin he’s got luscious flow.

2014 Men’s Olympic Ice Hockey Preview

Can’t fucking wait. Easily the greatest sporting event ever is Men’s olympic ice hockey. The passion, the dedication, the will to win for your country, Lundqvist’s face, it’s all there. Last winter olympics were great and the championship game was incredible. Wish USA won instead but great game nonetheless. So here are a couple things to note…

Ovie’s skates are SCORCHING hot.

Jesus Ovechkin! This blog just started and you’re already burning the whole place down! Just an absolute savage move rockin these bad boys. Now, as for actual notes on the games and what not, lets take a look at the first couple games…

Capture

Sweden vs. the czechs will be a pretty decent game. Lundqvist is comin in this tourney as the hottest goalie. He’s also been playing really well lately. Sweden should definitely win this game but with snipers in the likes of elias and jagr, czechs aren’t a team you necessarily wanna over look. Chara is the only good player on Slovakia so my guess for the final score of USA vs. slovakia is 7-1 USA.

Here’s a video to inspire usa fans…

god fucking damnit I love olympic hockey. Still not pumped up? Here is Parise’s tying goal from last olympics to bring the gold medal game into OT

He was named the captain of this years squad also. Couldn’t be happier. Great talent, great leader. Gonna be a good one this year, hope the good guys can bring home the gold. If you still don’t have a rock hard patriotic erection in your pants here are some other things America

boobies!

go america!

– Silky Mitts

Despite Sweden’s Sexy Jersey’s, USA Wins In Gold Medal Game 6-3.

The 2013 IIHF In-line Hockey World Championships has officially come to a conclusion. USA takes the gold in a 6-3 win over Sweden. Led by Travis Noe, Junior Cadiz, Pat Cannone, and Jerry Kuhn the USA Inline team won their sixth gold medal from these world championships which puts them as the sole record holder for most golds. NBD but KBD. USA played in their most competitive game of the tourney to take this win. The entire tourny they basically raped the competition with no remorse. They out scored opponents coming into this game 39-15 and was a perfect 5-0. Just an honest to god blood bath for any team USA faced. I would rather not have let up those 15 goals but whatever. Sweden is second in all time golds with five.

It has been an even better year for a couple other players. USA’s backup tendy (2-0 this tourney) had also just won an NCAA national title as a starter for Yale University and Dick Axelsson won an IIHF gold with Swedens ice hockey team this past spring. Canada giving it all they got could only snag bronze with a 5-1 win over Slovakia. Bronze is cute I guess. Next year, the world tourney will be held in Pardubice (?), Czech Republic. Crazy Czechs.

– Fresh Twig

p.s. Sweden’s jersey’s are filthier than Harriet Tubman’s nut sack. I want one. I need one. I feel like a chump not owning one.

Auburn University Training Dogs To Detect Bombs From Several Football Fields Away Cause Dogs Are Awesome.

God damnit dogs are so awesome. If you’re away from them for 2 seconds they miss you like you’ve been gone for 10 years. They’ll do anything as long as it makes us happy. If you ask them to protect an entire country they’ll do it with ease, no questions asked. They’ll find a terrorist in a room of a million people, take them down, save the world, and then ask to play fetch with you. And they do it all for your love and a belly rub. Truly inspiring. Only problem with what Auburn U is doing is that they’re training the dogs to follow the bombers and then sit by them to inform the humans who the bomber is. What they should be training them to do is find the bomber and then have the dog bite them right in the dick. You wanna fuck with America and the great people here you better be ready to sacrifice your only source of manhood, you fucking pussy. Dogs FTW! Freedom FTW! America FTW!!!

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

p.s. While dogs are being trained to sniff out bombs from terrorists to protect America and freedom I can guarantee you that cats are training terrorists as we speak. Fucking cats.

The Fact That China Hasn’t Taken Over Our Country Yet Blows My Mind

When I was in high school I had to walk down my street and I was at school. Took about 5-8 minutes. And I hated it. Felt like a decathlon. And I was in high school. These chinese kids are in elementary school and not only do they walk great lengths to get to school, they have to go through an obstacle course. Balancing on wet, mossy rocks. Climbing up completely vertical ladders with an 80-90 % chance of falling off. I mean look at that shot at the 10 second mark in the video. That’s the path that these 10 year olds have to take EVERY DAY? Uh sorry, I would take not knowing my times tables over attending this school and increasing my risk of instant death any day. Hey mommy look i’m climbing up this broken ladder to get to school take a picutreeeee I’M DEAD! I get nervous when I climb up step ladders to fix a light bulb, these kids must have absolute ice in the veins.

It’s shit from China like this that seriously makes me wonder why China has not taken over America yet. They have over a billion more people than us and they start training kids for the military in elementary school. And yes, I know that’s why these kids take this path to school. You want to tell me that out of every way possible these kids can take to school, the one with a 95% death rate is the easiest? Out of my face, China. We’re not stupid over here, we can read between the lines. You’re training them at a young age to take over the world. You know it, I know it, everyone and their grandparents knows it. Don’t necessarily hate the approach, just don’t make a news story that this is the only path they can take when you’re clearly in phase 1 of world domination.

– Silky Mitts

@FGsilkymitts

Got any good tips on stories? Wanna share your own? Send them to silkymitts7@yahoo.com. All stories are appreciated.

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