Power Move: Woman(?) Dresses Her Pet Anteaters In Human Clothes



Where is your God now?!?! This seriously might be one of the most psychotic things I’ve seen in my life. I’m not talking about the anteaters dressed to the 9’s. I’m talking about that thing that dresses them. The article says it’s a woman? No shot that’s a woman. I’ve seen really ugly women before. Like vial, unfortunate looking hogs. I’ve woken up hungover next to them on occasion. But this isn’t one of them. This thing shows no indication of being a woman. And don’t give me this “long hair” shit. Hippie bros rocked that hair like it was their job back in the day. Not to mention that freshly shaved mustache is screaming at me through my computer screen.

Could you imagine walking down the road and seeing this thing walking down power ant eaters in sweaters? I would turn around and walk the other way so fast you’d think I just saw an ex-girlfriend. I’ve crossed the street when people are walking their dogs or I see 1 or more black people. No way in HELL I’m passing a crew of ant eaters and a bat shit insane man-woman-beast. Might as well pack my things and shake hands with the devil himself.

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: Barstool Sports


p.s. I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this picture. Everyone knows red leather makes the girls weak in their knees. Sucks for all the other bro ant eaters who will have to wait for this guys left overs.

EMERGENCY P.P.S: Realized who this woman looks EXACTLY like…


Spitting image.



Shakira’s Ass Is Literally So Powerful That Colombia Wants To Ban Her New Video, Which By The Way Just Made Me Rip A Hole Through My Pants

Dear Mother of God! Stop the fight! Shakira’s ass just putting a god damn beat down on dicks from sea to shining sea! Did you see the way she was grinding up on the wall? I would murder the 10 closest people in my life if it meant I got to lick the wall a year after this video. That ass as some unreal hypnotic powers and I love it.

Anyway, to talk about the article…some columbian broad is complaining because Shakira’s ass is lights out and I’m guessing she’s a 55 year old shriveled up blue-haired whose pussy hasn’t seen any action since early 80’s. So of course she wants it banned. Now if you excuse me I’m going to rub one out so hard the friction’s gonna be able to start a fire.

shakira 1

– Silky Mitts

Original Link: CNN

Spawn Of Satan Evicting Her 91 Year Old WW2 Veteran Grandfather Out Of His Own House That He Built.

I’ve read some messed up shit before, but this may take the cake for the most evil, sinister thing someone can do. You’re kicking him out of a house that he created. Like, he built it. Himself. He’s too old, where’s he supposed to go? Look at him, he’s, too old! Unreal anyone would do this to their own grandfather who served in WW2. This American fought in battle so people like this bitch can be free and eat bacon whenever they fucking want. How do you eat bacon and still have an urge to evict your grandfather? It’s fucking bacon. Chicks got a soul as dirty as Harriet Tubman’s grundle and heart as icey as the lakes in canada.

If I was this bro I would call over my old army buddies and go straight torture status. Only thing people as cold as her can understand. I’m talking like water-boarding, pealing her fingernails off, boring her with army stories. Hearing stories from your grandfather that you’ve already heard 40 billion times is so rough. If she’s able to get away with this I may have to take action myself. And when Silky Mitts takes action into his own hands, Silky Mitts gets the job done. That’s a promise.

– Silky Mitts


Original Link: ABC

p.s. Cool it with the gums, toots. Shit’s nasty.

Maxim Puts Manti Te’o’s Fake Girlfriend In Hottest 100 List.

Really Maxim? Trying to be topical much? This is the dumbest thing I’ve seen since Mind of Mencia. What editor saw this and gave it the green light? Gotta be a blind monkey with downs right? Only explanation to wasting a spot on Maxim’s top 100 with a floating bikini. And they made her #69 too. Get it! Like, the sex move?! That’s genius! Jesus christ, Maxim. Put your bat down and stop abusing that horse that’s been decaying for quite some time now. We get it. Te’o didn’t have a girfriend. It was funny the first 138,749,756,174,357,287,465 times we heard a fake GF joke. But honestly, if you make a derpy Te’o joke right now best believe I’m gonna roll my eyes so hard I’ll be able to see my cranium. Not to mention putting a fake woman at #69 means you’re implying there are 31 women who are uglier than an invisible woman. A stat like that will obliterate any woman’s self esteem.

So great joke Maxim, glad to know you think #70 Nina Agdal…

was ranked uglier than this…

– Silky Mitts


Maxim Top 100 List

p.s. Miley Cyrus at #1? Is this list a joke and it’s just going over my head? Was the list made by The Onion? Is it April 1st? I seriously don’t understand this at all. My head hurts. I’m going to bed.

Mother of the Year Candidate From Long Island Left Her 4 Kids In A Car While She Got Shitfaced At A Bar.

What a fox! Seriously though, not a good look for this mother of the year candidate. Left 4 kids in a car and to make matters worse one of the kids is autistic. Yikes. She didn’t just leave them in the car for a second to run in a 7-11 to grab a soda either. Fatso here was on a mission to get stupid drunk and if that means ditching her offspring for a couple hours, so be it.

Gotta be honest though, love this woman’s hustle. Having 4 kids will not stop this woman from ripping shots in the middle of the day. Oh I have to watch our 4 kids all day? Tough shit, I’m getting shitfaced. They’re not old enough to drink so they had to chill in the car. Kind of makes an extreme amount of sense if you think about it. They could have been unsupervised at home all day where there’s knives and faulty outlets everywhere. This woman just lookin out for her kids. She may even deserve a medal of some sort.

– Silky Mitts


Original Link: NY Post

p.s. If I was a cop you could not pay me enough money to arrest this woman at the bar. She looks like the type of broad that would knock you the fuck out if you took her drink away from her. Mother with 4 kids, day drinking, hasn’t showered in days. I know better than to fuck with that person.

Asshole Scientists Find Secret To Never Dying.

So a bunch of scientists found a region in our brain that might help people live much longer. My question to scientists – why the fuck would you do that? Do you have any idea how many people live on this earth? Too many. If you extend people’s life expectancy all that means is that there will be more assholes to cut you off on the highway, more assholes applying for that job that you really want, more assholes fanning their towels at the beach getting sand all up in your potato salad, the list is endless. Not being cynical, just saying instead of increasing the population we should be drastically decreasing it. There’s simply too many people. I’m not talking like, 10 or 20 people too many, i’m talking like 1 or 2 billion too many. There are so many stupid people that inhabit this earth that contribute absolutely nothing to anyone. Ever. People that go through life, don’t create anything, and die. Just remember next time when you go to a restaurant and the waiting time for a table is over an hour, it’s because of these douchey scientists.

I don’t want to sound all high and mighty either. I would easily put myself in the category of people who contribute nothing. Just another person to add burger king wrappers to the great pacific ocean garbage patch. Am I saying I should leave the earth now? Absolutely not. Should my life be extended anymore past it’s expiration date? Hell no. Would you drink milk a week after it expires? Didn’t think so. Case closed. Game, set, match, Silky Mitts. I won. Game over…end of game.

– Silky Mitts


Original Link: France 24

p.s. Who wants to live past 100 anyway? I’ve seen people who are in their 90’s and they’re absolutely miserable. Have to shit in bed pans, food has to be brought to them, don’t talk to anyone, they have to sit in a chair all day. Actually…that sounds pretty sweet. Extend my life, scientists!

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